Proud to be British (Edited)

[keekee107]

Edited

They smothered Barbie in lead paint,
as Jamie turned my kids to carrots.
I switched from shares to soaring properties,
watching them crash like jet planes in Kent.

As I consumed the Credit Crunchie,
I wondered whether my bum looked bigger.

* 'into' changed to 'to'

Original

They smothered Barbie and Ken in lead paint,
as Jamie force-fed carrots to my kids.

I switched my shares to soaring property
and watched it crash like a jet plane in Kent.

And as I consumed the Credit Crunchie;
I wondered whether my bum looked bigger.

[Merlin]

I liked this, it's fun - I think I would consider putting it altogether - I am unsure if the couplets are strong enough to stand-alone (just my opinion)...

I would also consider dropping the And in the penultimate line...and changing wondered to wondering...

Like this:

They smothered Barbie and Ken in lead paint,
as Jamie force-fed carrots to my kids.
I switched my shares to soaring property
and watched it crash like a jet plane in Kent,
as I consumed the Credit Crunchie;
wondering whether my bum looked bigger.

Fun though!

[kozmikdave]

Gidday Keekee

Some clever images. The "Jamie" line was lost on me, I'm afraid. I assume it's topical and local to your country, but it pushes no buttons in my part of the world.

Last couplet worked well for me, but as merlin has suggested, it could lose the "and".

[Fenris]

Great idea about smothering Ken & Barbie in lead paint. Personally I'd like to smother Mr Oliver in a similar substance too. However, I digress. Nice work, and I'm sure your bum is fabulous too.

[dl04]

I like this a lot, very quirky

As a British person i think the pop culture references are good and i like how you've tied in the topical news events with something more relatable ie 'And as I consumed the Credit Crunchie'. Lovely line, i feel you've vocalised (or should i say expressed) your frustrations with the modern world very well.

I would drop the And at the start of the final verse as it doesnt flow that well. It sounds much better without. Like Merlin maybe you could possibly put the first four lines together to set up the final couplet? Just a thought.

Very nice read though

[TDF]

Hi kk,

Like the others so far, I enjoyed this. It's certainly very easy to read and has some good topical references.
Although I don;t get the Ken and Barbie line really. Is it topically British? the rest seemed very centered on us Brits/English.

as Jamie force-fed carrots to my kids. - Having actually been a teacher at kidbrook (the trial school he used) and met the guy as a result, I can relate to this well. However, because of that, I think I would rather see a line about trying to force-feed parents, since they were a large part of the problem, not just the kids.... but then I was a teacher, so I blame parents for everything!

and watched it crash like a jet plane in Kent. - loved this line.

I wondered whether my bum looked bigger - in honesty, i thought this ending was a little bland by comparison... but maybe that's because I'm a man.

good stuff this.
Tom

[Elphin]

kk

Last couplet is great fun.

Maybe think about changing round S2 - strictly speaking you would move an investment from shares to properties so

I switched from shares to soaring properties
and watched them crash like jet planes in Kent

Something bothers me about S1 - I think its the rhythm, could you drop Ken and improve the rhythm without losing anything.

Good fun

elphin

[TDF]

quick crit to say I like the rewrite.

The only thing I would change is in the second line:
I think you could just use 'to' instead of 'into'. Would give it a bit of a double meaing... ?

fun stuff, enjoyed it.
Tom

[barrie]

Maybe you could do away with 'Jamie' (I wish someone would!) and generalize the phrase to make it more accessable.

They smothered Barbie in lead paint,
as celebrity chefs turned my kids to carrots. - just a thought.

Barrie