Poetry Forum

Sadness tears into your heart,
wrings your very soul.
When darkness comes,
light goes down,
shadows climb the wall.
Death it tolls its haunting bell,
emotions crawl away.
If I can have another wish,
to live another day.

23-1-1996

Welcome to the boards, wabbit.
Good to see a new (humble) face. And don't be shy with your crits, have faith that your opinion is as valid and helpful as any other.

To your poem...
Since this is your first, I will take the time to go into some (blunt) detail.
To start, the message and imgaes are nice and clear, it is easy to follow and read. That said, the language is rather commonplace and cliched. Whilst sometimes I like a cliche to express an age-old feeling, I think they come a little heavy here.

some thoughts:

Sadness tears into your heart, - tears is a strong word, which is needed here. However there must be another, more original word, you could use to combine with heart?

wrings your very soul. - I actually liked the repetition of 'your' here, although again we are skirting around cliches.

When darkness comes,
light goes down, - second line isnt needed, it is essentially a repeat of the first.

shadows climb the wall. - I understand and like the image, but can shadows even exist if there is no light? I think this idea just needs a little tweaking to make sense and do the concept justice.

Death it tolls its haunting bell, - I don't think the 'it' is required here, but if you want to keep it, then put a comma after 'Death'. Also 'tolls' with 'bell' is very old hat. Again a nice clear image, but perhaps use a different word?

emotions crawl away. - liked this line a lot.

If I can have another wish,
to live another day. - liked this ending, although think it maybe needs a rejigging, the gramma didn't sit right with me. Perhaps "if I could have another wish:" or "my last and only wish?"...

I like what this poem is doing, it has a very clear thread to it. I just think the language could be changed to help make this poem less generic, more original and, perhaps more importantly, more personal to you.

23-1-1996 - I goggled the date in hope it might glean some ideas as to a hidden meaning here, but came up blank. Is it just the date of writing, or is there something else?

Welcome again, you seem like a nice chap to me, so hope you stick around! Hope my crit is useful in some way.
cheers,
Tom

Thanks for the comments Tom Ill go through them and see if I can tweak things.

The date is just when it was written, 7 days after my dad died.

During that time poems just popped into my head and I had to write them down. Funnily it just started happening again, so hope its not an omen

Always wanted to get some feedback and this looks like a good forum for that.

Welcome to the forum, wabbit. Tom gave you some good advice so I won't repeat what he's said.

Sadness tears into your heart,------ Sadness sunders your heart?
wrings your very soul ------- rends for 'wrings' ?
When darkness comes,
light goes down, ---------- as Tom said, it's unnecessary.
shadows climb the wall. -------shadows flee the wall?
Death it tolls its haunting bell, ------Death moans its haunting knell?
emotions crawl away.
If I can have another wish,
to live another day.

These are alternatives to your own ideas, I'm not saying that you should use them, just have a think about what you've written and if you can re-phrase things in a more original way (a thesaurus is a handy tool).
I think you need a stronger finish - the last two lines are nothing new - again, you need to use your own words.
That said, you have encapsulated your feelings and conveyed them effectively.

Barrie

Ok I’ve had a rewrite and tried to include your suggestions, many thanks for them.

This was a very personal poem and describes my feelings as I was sitting in a hospital waiting room. I’ve never explained the meaning to anyone, so here’s a 1st.

“Sadness tears into your heart, wrings your very soul.” this was how I felt in the waiting room; I knew the news would be bad. “When darkness comes, light goes down, shadows climb the wall." The sun was going down and we (me and my mother) were waiting for news about my Dad, who had suffered a stroke. The shadows did indeed climb the wall as we waited. “Death tolls its haunting bell” was the look on the sister’s face as she came to tell us he had past away. “Emotions crawl away” was how I felt as she actually told us he had gone. “If I can have another wish, to live another day.” This was me changing roles and being my father; don’t know why seemed to help at the time.

Well there you have it, have to say I shed another tear as I adjusted it, but feel its better now. What do you think?

Tweak 1
Sadness bleeds into your heart,
wrings your very soul.
Sun goes down,
Twilight comes,
shadows climb the wall.
Death tolls its haunting bell,
emotions crawl away.
If I could have another wish,
he’d live another day.


Im struggling to change the "Death tolls its haunting bell" line and I understand your comment about "toll" but it kind of captured the emotion for me. I will carry on thinking about that one.

Again thanks for your suggestions and any others are welcome.

Barrie thanks for those excellent suggestions, I diddnt see your comment before posting the above but will have a re-look.

hey wabbit,

Sorry if my crit seemed a little clinical, I do understand this is a very important piece for you - that did come through very clearly, as did the actualy images and messages. The emotions were very clear, I could never challenge those. It was easy to understand for sure. As a poem, though, technically I thought it could be improved. Although I feel a bit guilty. Your second version certainly does flows better and sounds more interesting to me. Although maybe trying to force it too much is not good for this poem, maybe it should stay a reflection of exactly how you feel, rather than a reflection of what some strangers think about it.

look forward to more of your work.
Tom

Hey Tom .. no worries .. I never took your crit as clinical just informative. If I diddnt want it critisised I wouldnt put it on here. I will always have the raw version and that is a memory sealed in time. I was aware however that there were bits that maybe could be improved and to that end I thank you and anyone else for taking the trouble to pass on their opinion.

What did you think of the "Sadness bleeds into your heart" change .... I'm kind of see-sawing on that, one minute I think its Ok then I read it again and Im not sure. Im still looking at tweak2 with some of Barrie's suggestions, it will be interesting to see how it progresses.

More work? Ha Ha your a gluton for punishment .... I think I can squeeze another in before I cast my critical eye over others wordage and verbage again. Just trying to decide which one it will be.

By the way ... being new here. Is it Ok to explain the thoughts behind the lines or is that giving to much information away

wabbit wrote:By the way ... being new here. Is it Ok to explain the thoughts behind the lines or is that giving to much information away

You give away as much information as you like, wabbit. It's your call.

Cheers

David

Ok what do you think of this

Tweak2
Sadness seeps into your heart,
wrings your very soul.
Sun goes down,
Twilight comes,
shadows climb the wall.
Death a waxy haunted shell,
emotions crawl away.
If I could have another wish,
a life for which i'd pay.

hi wabbit,

On-the-whole, I like this second tweak. The middle section of the poem flows very well to me now. I have to be honest, although improved, I don't think the opening 2 will ever really do it for me, just a bit too cliche. And I actually prefered the message of the original end line, the new one seems to change the meaning quite dramatically.
Also, I still think 'Death' needs a comma after it. Other than that, good stuff.

Just some further thoughts there. Great to see the re-writes, grats on engaging with your critters.

Tom

Ok as with the other poem I'm going to submit this as my final offering. Again further comments/crits welcome.

Barrie - I liked your 'Saunders' and 'rends' suggestions but they diddnt quite capture the picture I wanted. Which was kind of being torn and twisted from the inside out, its difficult to put into words. I do thank you for your suggestions which led me to the 'Death, a waxy haunted shell' line and (i'm being selfish again) I really like that line.

As Ive explained the rest of the lines, I'll explain this one. At the undertakers I went in to pay my last respects to my father. But what was there was like a lifeless waxwork model. The face had kind of sunken and at that moment I knew he wasnt there any more. 'Death, a waxy haunted shell' captures that moment in time perfectly for me.

TDK - thank you also for all your suggestions and comments.

Final Tweak3
Sadness tears into your heart,
wrings your very soul.
Sun goes down,
Twilight comes,
shadows climb the wall.
Death, a waxy haunted shell,
emotions crawl away.
If I can have another wish,
to live another day.

All said, I like the piece. Because it is so simple.

very good poem i agree it has lots of potential.

Wabbit, thank you for sharing this very personal thing with us. Something you said in your last comment resonates with me. I saw my dad very shortly after he'd died - one of those early morning phone calls from the hospital you're sort of expecting - and that wasn't too upsetting (apart from the obvious cause for upset).

However, my sister, who lives away, didn't see him until she came back and went to the undertakers by herself - she found that very upsetting, for the reason you've given. I blame myself for not going with her, but she gave me the option and I didn't want to see him then.

And, like you, I tried to express what I felt in a poem. It wasn't a great poem, but I think it helped.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to hijack your thread for the sake of personal reminiscence. Apologies if you do.

Cheers

David

Thanks for your comments guys

David - No worries about hijacking threads. I can understand how your sister found it upsetting. Luckily I saw dad at the hospital and when I saw him at the undertakers, he was gone, so to speak. That was Ok for me it kind of helped to put things in perspective. I think I would have found it very upsetting just to see him at the undertakers.

Anyway were not the only people in the world who ever had a death in the family. I explained the meanings behind the poem to let the guys who were attempting to help with the wordage see the picture I was trying to paint.

I think when someone reads a poem they get a picture about what the poem is about. This maybe near to what the writer intended or maybe a totally different picture. I wanted the guys to help, but with my picture and thats why I explained it.

I wont be explaining other poems in as much detail (unless asked) as I think people should be allowed to put their own pictures to the written words.

Thanks again for you comments
W