Poetry Forum

I'd be interested to hear what you all think, I'm in two minded about it myself. Would particularly like any suggestions in terms of alternate language, my vocab is painfully limited, Cheers!


My flesh contracts
at the bite of bitter enamel
as I ease my weight
from my feet.

It takes until I am seated
to hear
his stifled breath.

I freeze.
Beyond my shoulder
he too
waits
held in rigor,
by the shackles of his nerves.

I attempt to marry my breath
with the drip of a tap,
hiding my presence,
but the silence is crushing.

I’m thrown into
a battle of control.

My nails taste my flesh,
my head pulls back
as my guts
contract
yearning for the command
of release.


His defeat his signaled by
a cacophony of
splutters and coughs
with the failed mechanics
of concealment.

I wait for his flush
to release my shame
and then
the full polyphonic splendour
of my bowels
can be drowned
in the sound
of rapids
and his bedraggled steps
drifting from my ear.

I exhale.

You don't half make having a shit hard work, don't you?

Suggestions: my weight to the weight

stifled breath is bit too well used, maybe muffled, muted or dampened.

held in rigor,
(in) by the shackles of his nerves.

My breath is bated as I wait. - I would say leave this out - you don't need to say it.

bowls ? ... bowels.

Good one ....er....don't forget to wash your hands.

Barrie.

I like this - an entertaining take on the subject matter and the way in which it is kinda long winded , is a positive aspect in this....imo...

Could be improved though, agree wit barrie's suggestions....

Yeah - I liked it...sure wasn't a crap poem....

made me feel uncomfortable, bf... the guts are a bit ripe today myself.

anyhoo... I'm not sure whether I like this or not. Such a sort of serious poetic mood to illustrate a crap. Do I like being immersed in a smithed flow of words, swept up in the beautifully expressed bowel movements of a stranger? I'm not so sure.

I do actually like the premise here, and the way it evolves, I just think maybe it takes itself too seriously, stylistically speaking.

Fun read though.
my 2 c
Tom

I like this, i think the way the sentences are constructed (shorter sentences in some parts, not in others) creates a really nice rythum that increases the intensity and the tension within the poem itself.

Barrie, Merlin, Tom, Woolf...

Cheers for the feedback, I've made a few alterations but I know it still needs work, I'll come back to it when I have more time.

Barrie, I think your right in regards to the omission, I had debated with myself about putting it in or not when witting it, it was helpful to me that you picked up on it, cheers.

Thanks to all.