Poetry Forum

Feel good summer blockbuster.


Classic us eh?
Sweeping titles as camera fades to starlet's exquisite collarbone.
No prime example of femininity.
But everything looks swell in black and white.

One boy, one girl.
Small town of course.
Authentic like.
Queue. rain.
Faces intact.
You know the drill.
The violins heighten. The sun pulls through the clouds.
Jobs a good’ un

“Lets keep it simple pal”
I’ll learn to stop weeping on public transport.
I need to make tracks.
One boy one girl.
One you and one me.

She laughed, as she traced the wreckage across the skyline.




This is a bit of an organic poem, that i wrote very very recently, and am posting before i loose the guts to keep it up here. It's a bit vauge and very scatty, and needs tidying up, but there you go.

I really like it. I'm not just being kind. I like the staccato effects (don't get Que though), and I’ll learn to stop weeping on public transport is an absolute show-stopper of a line.

See what others say, but it's good.

Welcome. (Introduce yourself, why don't you, at H, G E & W?)

Cheers

David

Haha that is an amateur spelling mistake, its meant to be queue

Thank you, i'm rather flattered haha

This is a bump more than anything. The weekends are dreadfully slow around here, and for what action the forum will likely see, I think this deserves a chance to get in on it.

I shall have more to say when I have it. For now, it's starlet's and lose the comma following authentic. The latter is just an opinion of course. Feel free to ignore it.

Welcome to the forum.

Good work, I'm new to this posting business as well, I'm glad you've joined in.
I agree with David on this, it really is good, it has a very clear sense of style, I know you say it was written recently but it has a very '50's feel to me.
V1 works extremely well in setting the scene and grabbing the reader's attention (plus its written very well).
I thought....

"She laughed, as she traced the wreckage across the skyline."

....was great, but, I'm not sure if I understood it, anyway, nice job!

This, like Travis's kind intervention, is a sort of a bump as well, because I think it deserves it (come on folks, pile in), but also because I've been trying to remember what your first line reminds me of - Classic us eh?

Got it. Rightly or wrongly, it reminds me of Morrissey - typical me typical me typical me ... no?

Cheers

David

It's like something out of Sin City. I love its variation of pace. Keep this up!

Cheers

Stuart

In response to David, i researched the Morrisey lyrics you are refering to, and i can see some parallels there. A similar style of writting or motivation i think, which isn't bad at all haha

'Brother Fergus' - I did try to create a 1950's feel to the poem, i wanted to create the atmosphere of an old black and white epic. "She laughed, as she traced the wreckage across the skyline."- I think is to sum up the protaganists feelings towards this relationship that she longs to be able to compare to a 1950's romantic epic. I think i chose the term skyline maybe to reflect the previous mention of the sun moving through the clouds and the camera sweeping at the begining. All sort of building up this sensationalised image of a quite bleak senario.

Stuart- I really must watch Sin City, at some point, its on my list of films to watch

Thanks for all the feedback, sorry if this sounds very pretentious..

xxx

Great write Atwood."I’ll learn to stop weeping on public transport. " -my favourite in the piece. Thats all from me now. Enjoyed the 50's feel.

When I first read this I have to admit I diddnt like it.

However came back to it two days later and total change of opinion ... I really like it.

I love the black & White film set picture being painted in the words.

I like it as it is.

Cheers
W

Welcome on board and good first post.

Your style is different and therefore interesting to read. There are a couple of phrases that standout

camera fades to starlet's exquisite collarbone

I’ll learn to stop weeping on public transport

I found it a little difficult to differentiate the descriptions of the movie and the real life stuff -maybe I'm simple though- and the last line is a good un but maybe needs a lead into it. You explained in your post what you were trying but Im not sure it comes across.

Look forward to a rework and more posts

elphin