Sunbeams
The sun dances on the horizon,
Awakes another day.
Hands, rub at bleary eyes,
Wiping sleep away.
Sunbeams dance upon the water,
Twinkle on the waves.
Warming up my heavy soul,
From the loneliness it craves.
To caress the world with light,
Until the darkness comes,
And sleep it visits me again,
When the day is done.
29/01/96
Sunbeams
wabbit
As an expression of how you feel this is fine. Your one before - the Hump - was more fun. This one though is a bit of a tired subject - maybe you need to think about some fresh images craving loneliness and heavy souls have been done a lot.
keep posting
elphin
As an expression of how you feel this is fine. Your one before - the Hump - was more fun. This one though is a bit of a tired subject - maybe you need to think about some fresh images craving loneliness and heavy souls have been done a lot.
keep posting
elphin
Thanks for the comment Elphin, yes I know what you mean.
Im kind off getting your opinions on some old stuff I did back in 1996 and taking note whilst Im writing some new stuff.
Havnt really penned anything since 96
Cheers
W
Im kind off getting your opinions on some old stuff I did back in 1996 and taking note whilst Im writing some new stuff.
Havnt really penned anything since 96
Cheers
W
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
I like this for being a short piece. Yes the subject is, as Elphin stated, 'tired'. Maybe a re-work would be better.
This is not a bad piece, wabbit. It might not be the most original of all but I find that you have made good use of vocabulary and images: bleary eyes, twinkling sunbeams, caress with light etc. Another imaginative thought is the suggestion that the 'sunbeams warm up your heart'. Well done with that.
Two little criticisms, though: First, in line 1 the sun dances, in line five it's the sunbeams which dance. You should try to avoid such repetitions as they give the impression of a lack of imagination.
What is more, I'm not sure whether the last few lines are correct: And sleep it visits me again - sounds wrong, did you miss a comma after 'sleep'. Then it would work better for me, otherwise there is just some grammatical error that I can't get past.
Two little criticisms, though: First, in line 1 the sun dances, in line five it's the sunbeams which dance. You should try to avoid such repetitions as they give the impression of a lack of imagination.
What is more, I'm not sure whether the last few lines are correct: And sleep it visits me again - sounds wrong, did you miss a comma after 'sleep'. Then it would work better for me, otherwise there is just some grammatical error that I can't get past.
Many thanks for your comments Dublin. The picture I was trying to produce was the sun shimmering out at sea on the horizon, then as it rose in the sky the sunbeams spread out and dance on the water. Knowing this let me know if you still feel Im incorrect with Sun and Sumbeams. Ill work out a change if I am.
Yes I did miss a comma after 'sleep' changed below.
The sun dances on the horizon,
Awakes another day.
Hands, rub at bleary eyes,
Wiping sleep away.
Sunbeams dance upon the water,
Twinkle on the waves.
Warming up my heavy soul,
From the loneliness it craves.
To caress the world with light,
Until the darkness comes,
And sleep, it visits me again,
When the day is done.
Yes I did miss a comma after 'sleep' changed below.
The sun dances on the horizon,
Awakes another day.
Hands, rub at bleary eyes,
Wiping sleep away.
Sunbeams dance upon the water,
Twinkle on the waves.
Warming up my heavy soul,
From the loneliness it craves.
To caress the world with light,
Until the darkness comes,
And sleep, it visits me again,
When the day is done.
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
I'm not quite sure what you're asking me here. I did not criticise the image of the 'dancing' itself, I only thought that the repitition weakened the effect. Using the same verb (i.e. 'dance') twice is the problem! I did get your picture (and liked it, by the way).
So, in that sense, you're not wrong; I personally would suggest something like 'flicker' or 'sparkle' or possibly 'gleam' or shine' if that doesn't change the picture too much.
And, on a more general note, whilst you should obviously think about criticisms and suggestions you should not think yourself 'wrong' and me (or someone else) right and therefore more competent than you. That's not what poetry is about and the poem should in the first place work for you, not for other readers. And if you feel you convey your message properly with an image that someone else finds insufficient, unoriginal or confusing you should not be too anxious to please him.
Anyway, keep up the good work...
So, in that sense, you're not wrong; I personally would suggest something like 'flicker' or 'sparkle' or possibly 'gleam' or shine' if that doesn't change the picture too much.
And, on a more general note, whilst you should obviously think about criticisms and suggestions you should not think yourself 'wrong' and me (or someone else) right and therefore more competent than you. That's not what poetry is about and the poem should in the first place work for you, not for other readers. And if you feel you convey your message properly with an image that someone else finds insufficient, unoriginal or confusing you should not be too anxious to please him.
Anyway, keep up the good work...
Doh! Ok Dublin thanks, yes I see what your saying now.
Sorry was having a blonde moment (can blokes have blonde moments?
)
Yes its OK I wont try and please everyone
Thanks for your very informative help
W
Sorry was having a blonde moment (can blokes have blonde moments?
)Yes its OK I wont try and please everyone
Thanks for your very informative help
W
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
Hey Wabb,
Just wanted to echo what has been said really. This is a nice poem, clear and pretty. However it uses many tried and tested images and cliches. While this makes it what it is, it doesn't really offer a new take on the images.
As an exercise in developing your poetry I think it is good. However, I do think it is one to leanr and move on from.
keep em coming.
Tom
Just wanted to echo what has been said really. This is a nice poem, clear and pretty. However it uses many tried and tested images and cliches. While this makes it what it is, it doesn't really offer a new take on the images.
As an exercise in developing your poetry I think it is good. However, I do think it is one to leanr and move on from.
keep em coming.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words