Music
Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 6:49 pm
lkjljjkl
Great images and some cunning rhyme scheme I can't quite get my head round - very good, Sam.
Cheers
David
Poetry Forum
A friendly, well established poetic community for both aspiring and seasoned writers of poetry.
https://proleartthreat.co.uk/forum/
Music
https://proleartthreat.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=6808
Page 1 of 1
Re: Music
Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 7:28 pm
Re: Music
Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:00 pm
I like this - the only bit I'm not sure about is the mirrors on fire, i.e. why? And why are the notes floating out of them? Lines 4 and 5 don't make sense to me.
But for the most part, I agree with David - very good. Sam.
But for the most part, I agree with David - very good. Sam.
Re: Music
Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 10:44 am
Nice piece Sam
I agree with k-j on the flames. There are also a few places I felt the rhythm broke down
flow out of the mirrors on fire - maybe replace out of with from to reduce the number of beats. As another thought maybe move flow up one line also to emphasise alliteration.
a colony of bats impersonate a violin - I think impersonate has too many syllables, what about strum or strumming- is a violin strummed?
Celestial - bit of a cliche maybe think of another word.
Last point - if you talk about dolphins and whales should it be sea and sky rather than earth.
Good work - hope there is something in these thoughts
elphin
I agree with k-j on the flames. There are also a few places I felt the rhythm broke down
flow out of the mirrors on fire - maybe replace out of with from to reduce the number of beats. As another thought maybe move flow up one line also to emphasise alliteration.
a colony of bats impersonate a violin - I think impersonate has too many syllables, what about strum or strumming- is a violin strummed?
Celestial - bit of a cliche maybe think of another word.
Last point - if you talk about dolphins and whales should it be sea and sky rather than earth.
Good work - hope there is something in these thoughts
elphin
Re: Music
Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:08 pm
Elphin wrote: a colony of bats impersonate a violin - I think impersonate has too many syllables, what about strum or strumming- is a violin strummed?
elphin
You'll have a job.. The strings are staggered in height! Howzabout:
"a colony of bow-legged bats on violin"
Entertaining read
Geoff
Re: Music
Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 3:07 pm
The wise men may well return with "a chorus of dolphins and whales" chanting for them ....
Ha Ha nice one ... different, not sure if there was more than "ecstasy within" or who the "ecstasy was within"
Still it kept me reading it, trying to figure it out.
Would love to know the story behind it, if there is one.
Cheers
W
Ha Ha nice one ... different, not sure if there was more than "ecstasy within" or who the "ecstasy was within"
Still it kept me reading it, trying to figure it out.
Would love to know the story behind it, if there is one.
Cheers
W
Re: Music
Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 4:05 pm
Hi coleridge,
I agree with most of what has been said/suggested so my crit will be short. There are some lovely phrases and lines in here, but I think the whole thing is just bit confused/messy. Would love to see a little refinement on it. I would consider looking at the punctuation too, I think s2 could do with a few more breaks.
Outside my window an owl
plucks a tune on a telephone wire, - loved this opener.
a colony of bats impersonate a violin, - liked this line too.
chant for the return of the magi. - I quite liked the finish, though I'm a little unclear as to who/what the magi actually is.
nice one.
Tom
I agree with most of what has been said/suggested so my crit will be short. There are some lovely phrases and lines in here, but I think the whole thing is just bit confused/messy. Would love to see a little refinement on it. I would consider looking at the punctuation too, I think s2 could do with a few more breaks.
Outside my window an owl
plucks a tune on a telephone wire, - loved this opener.
a colony of bats impersonate a violin, - liked this line too.
chant for the return of the magi. - I quite liked the finish, though I'm a little unclear as to who/what the magi actually is.
nice one.
Tom