Poetry Forum

I wish to see a sharp edged knife penetrate
soft tissues around your shoulder, dear lady.

I need to observe the slide of red droplets
over your fair skin. Just a little cut, sweetie!

My fangs yearn for a taste of that sweetness.
Can’t wait to hear your moans, darling!

You will be tossing your head sideways;
twisting, turning under my jaws and

wailing loudly. I shall relish the pain in your eyes.
My kisses will burn your wounds, my palms

will caress the savage artwork.

I like this. Its not too overcooked and its bridges both amusing and disturbing.
Excellent opening stanza
good sexual imagery
However, I dont like the word "fangs". I understand its probably linked to vampires but I dont like the sound of the word, dont think its a word people use, and it gives it too much of a comic/cartoon effect for me.
I also dont think the last line works that well and am not keen on the phrase "canine artwork"
Overall though, I like this

Thanks Richard. I changed the word "canine" with "savage". Hope it works better. About "fangs" I'm still thinking.
Smiles.

Like this a lot

Agree with Richard about "Fangs". I keep on dropping into "Fangs for the memory"

Also with the "Fangs" there I'm not quite sure whether we have man or beast, although maybe that's the idea. It doesnt quite fit for me though in congunction with the opening.

"I wish to see a sharp edged knife penetrate
soft tissues around your shoulder, dear lady."

Which I think is excellent and shouldnt be changed.

I think if the "fangs" bit was changed, I would be getting a picture of a serial killer locked in a basement with a helpless victim. Or maybe thats just my twisted mind.


Love the change to "will caress the savage artwork" thats brill.

Will look forward to see what you come up with and fangs for posting a great poem ...

Sorry couldnt resist that

hey aru,

Interesting idea this. I like the attempt to romanticise what is essentially just a killing. Make something arguably more 'poetic' out of a predator tearing apart it's prey. The added vampiric and human ambiguity, due to the language, make it an interesting mix. Is it a human? or is it just a lion?
However, for me, I'm not sure if it works. I like the idea and I like some of the lines and images, I'm just not sure if the concept actually holds together - as much as I would like it to.

I think this is a brave and clever approach though and maybe I'm wrong.
Tom

how about 'my' savage artwork instead of 'the'
Makes it a bit more personal - and though there are quite a few 'my' s in there I still think it works better