Dandelion Crowns

[Milu]

You took away my Gameboy
and dragged me to the park.
Braiding my hair,
you wove elaborate stories
like grandma's baskets.

This wasn't enough,
to contain my interest
from dribbling out.
Rolling back to the front door.

But--
Then you knotted dandelion crowns,
and pressed grass your lips
making it sing:

I was enchanted.

Clawing at the ground
I pulled clumps,
placing them in
one of grandma's baskets--

I sold them at school
for two dollars.

[Richard WH]

Good stuff
The image of braiding hair, weaving stories like grandma's baskets is a fine one indeed. Love the opening stanza.
Would have preferred rolling back home as I think it has a nicer feel to it.
Should it be pressed grass "to" your lips?
My choice would be to take out the But or add it to the line below; adding also the enchanted line to that stanza.
I'm not too sure about the ending couplet and would either take them away or work on them and add to them to make it four lines.
Only my opinion.
Look forward to reading any other stuff you might post

[wabbit]

Like this a lot

This wasn't enough,
to contain my interest
from dribbling out.
Rolling back to the front door.

This stanza doesnt quite read correctly to me. I find myself having to re-read it to try and pick up the flow, so would suggest a tweak here.

also

Clawing at the ground
I pulled clumps,
placing them in
one of grandma's baskets--

Maybe change to a more concise "grandma's basket"


Good stuff
remember opinions are worth what you pay for them, this one's free.
Cheers
W

[arunansu]

I liked it. Better do away with the "But" at the beginning of S3. The ending is good, and I feel no change necessary there. Yet thats my personal opinion.

[TDF]

Hi Milu,

I enjoyed this, it has a nice pace about it. I found the feminine nature of the poem interestingly at odds with the opening line, something typically boyish. An attempt to girlify a tom-boy?

I liked the first stanza, but a slight tweak suggestion:
Braided my hair,
weaving eleborate stories
like one of grandma's baskets.

to contain my interest
from dribbling out. - loved that image.

Rolling back to the front door. - didn't quite get this. Maybe because it is it's own sentence, maybe because I don't understand why 'rolling'...

S3 is lovely, a great switch/contrast/development from S2.
I was enchanted. - I'd be seriously tempted to end the poem here actually, I'm not really sure what the last 2 stanzas add. Either that or I think I would write a new last stanza.

Enjoyed this one,
Tom

[ladyteazle]

This is an interesting poem. Materialism meets nature? I'm not sure who wins. The child(?) is taken away from their gameboy to enjoy the simplistic game of dandelion chain making, only for them to sell the dandelions at a profit! There's subtle cynicism here that I love. And I would keep the 'But', but perhaps think about how to arange it better - does it need to stand alone?

[dl04]

I like this piece a lot, i think the rythm is great annd there's certainly a great nostalgic feel about this. The first stasnza is super and really sets the scene well. A few points though:

i dont like the 'enchanted' line that much, i feel it makes the poem too flowery and takes it away from the innocence and naivety of the piece.

Apart from that though, it's pretty good.

dl04.

[Milu]

O.O Wowzers. A lot of replies. Thanks guys ^__^

Good stuff
The image of braiding hair, weaving stories like grandma's baskets is a fine one indeed. Love the opening stanza.
Would have preferred rolling back home as I think it has a nicer feel to it.
Should it be pressed grass "to" your lips?
My choice would be to take out the But or add it to the line below; adding also the enchanted line to that stanza.
I'm not too sure about the ending couplet and would either take them away or work on them and add to them to make it four lines.
Only my opinion.
Look forward to reading any other stuff you might post

>__< typos,thanks.

Like this a lot

This wasn't enough,
to contain my interest
from dribbling out.
Rolling back to the front door.

This stanza doesnt quite read correctly to me. I find myself having to re-read it to try and pick up the flow, so would suggest a tweak here.

also

Clawing at the ground
I pulled clumps,
placing them in
one of grandma's baskets--

Maybe change to a more concise "grandma's basket"


Good stuff
remember opinions are worth what you pay for them, this one's free.
Cheers
W

Hmm...I was trying to make the image of the child's interest being in a woven basket, but dribbing out, "rolling back to the front door" meaning wanting to go home.

I agree with you , the simplicty of grandma's basket is better.

Hi Milu,

I enjoyed this, it has a nice pace about it. I found the feminine nature of the poem interestingly at odds with the opening line, something typically boyish. An attempt to girlify a tom-boy?

I liked the first stanza, but a slight tweak suggestion:
Braided my hair,
weaving eleborate stories
like one of grandma's baskets.

to contain my interest
from dribbling out. - loved that image.

Rolling back to the front door. - didn't quite get this. Maybe because it is it's own sentence, maybe because I don't understand why 'rolling'...

S3 is lovely, a great switch/contrast/development from S2.
I was enchanted. - I'd be seriously tempted to end the poem here actually, I'm not really sure what the last 2 stanzas add. Either that or I think I would write a new last stanza.

Enjoyed this one,
Tom

Hmm...I need to tweak the last two stanzas. I was trying to use them as a twist to the sweetness of the previous stanzas. I used the repetition of grandma's baskets and chains, things that are woven, to show bonds. I think I'll follow through with that image to tie the poem together.

This is an interesting poem. Materialism meets nature? I'm not sure who wins. The child(?) is taken away from their gameboy to enjoy the simplistic game of dandelion chain making, only for them to sell the dandelions at a profit! There's subtle cynicism here that I love. And I would keep the 'But', but perhaps think about how to arange it better - does it need to stand alone?

Heh. I may be reading too much Dickinson. I was just trying to make it a pause to mark a transition..and I wanted to play with dashes >__> I'll try and mesh it a bit to make it more natural.

I like this piece a lot, i think the rythm is great annd there's certainly a great nostalgic feel about this. The first stasnza is super and really sets the scene well. A few points though:

i dont like the 'enchanted' line that much, i feel it makes the poem too flowery and takes it away from the innocence and naivety of the piece.

Apart from that though, it's pretty good.

dl04.

I used enchanted to connect with dandelion crowns...made me think of magical wimsical things. I'll try to think of a line with better connotations.

Thanks for all of the suggestions. I really appreciate it ^__^