Poetry Forum

Edited :-

One homeless brown mongrel
scratching his mangy skin
cavorts beside a food-stall
in summer’s shade.
Days slip away on mercy
of leftovers. Seldom he complains.
A slim gentleman gives him
a biscuit everyday, for brushing
his forehead against oily trousers.
A pot-belied man who smells
of turkey, throws bit of a muffin
for licking large-sized gaiters.

Yesterday morn, a heavy boot
toyed with his ears. He brushed
against the heels, but gained
a massive thump. Further attempts
fetched recurring blows, and laughter.





Original:-

One homeless brown mongrel
scratches his mangy skin
at times, cavorting beside
a food-stall, in summer’s shade.

Days slip away on mercy
of leftovers. Seldom he complains.

A slim gentleman gives him a biscuit
everyday. Only for brushing forehead
against oily trousers.

The pot belied man who smells of
turkey, obliges with a part of a muffin.
That comes simply, just for a lick
of his large-sized gaiters.

Yesterday morn, a heavy boot toyed
with his ears. He brushed his head
against the heels, but gained
a massive thump.

Repeated attempts fetched
recurring blows, and laughter.

hey aru,

Simple, vivid poem this one. Not trying to be anything clever, I like that. Reflects the character nicely I think. Although the structure and language makes the whole thing read rather like pros to me. I think it could be tuned slightly to give it a little more punch and increase the poeticness of it.

for example maybe:

a homeless brown mongrel, scratching
his mangy skin as he cavorts
beside a food-stall,
in summer’s shade.

Repeated attempts fetched
recurring blows, and laughter. - I like the ending, but think it could be a bit meaner, a touch more blunt, to really give the ending some kick.

not the best crit in the world, but hope you can get something from it.
Tom

Like this and the picture it creates

Days slip away on mercy
of leftovers

Nice

Cheers
W

I really liked the simplicity of this, but must take issue with "Seldom he complains". It has a slightly archaic sounding syntax which is not in keeping with the rest of the poem... He seldom complains?

I think it ends a little abruptly; perhaps there needs to be a final twist of understated horror.

I thank all of you and present the edited version. Still thinking about the ending.
Cheers.