Your Serpentine eyes narrow
in response to me.
Causing venomous words
to drip from your fangs,
but you cover them.
You speak
through parted lips,
causing your words to
slip out
in a vacillate hiss.
Your body is tensed;
ready to strike.
Instead, you swallow
The Venom.
It burns your throat
and moistens your eyes.
Making your smile sparkle
like a newly polished blade.
Is it for me?
The Venom
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Milu
I hope you'll forgive a rather detailed investigation of this poem. Once I started reading it, I got rather drawn in.
I like the descriptions here. The writing style makes me think this is a poem directed at a specific person. While that may serve as a good stimulant to inspire your writing, it doesn’t necessarily make the piece accessible to other readers.
The use of ‘causing’ … ‘to’ slows the pace and tension of S1 and S2, imo. I think those verses would read better without that phraseology. E.g.
Your serpentine eyes narrow
in response to me.
Venomous words
drip from your fangs,
Perhaps, as you are using the word venom in another part of the poem (as well as in the title), you might be able to find a synonym for ‘Venomous’ in this particular section. The imagery is sufficiently strong that you don’t need to keep repeating yourself.
You speak
through parted lips,
Is this unusual? Would thinly-parted, for example, be a more interesting image?
The Venom.
It's a little melodramatic to capitalize these words, as they are already the title.
It burns your throat
and moistens your eyes.
Making your smile sparkle
like a newly polished blade.
I think this could all be one sentence, with a comma after ‘eyes’, rather than a full stop.
Is it for me?
While ending with a question can be fun for the author, it can be tiresome for the reader. This particular question isn’t clear to me; is it the smile or the venom that is being referred to?
The link between the narrator and the snake-like adversary has not really been established, only their animosity. So why would the narrator ask the question? As a reader, it feels like an unsatisfactory end point.
What I find very interesting about the story within the poem are the shielded aspects of the adversary. In S1 they cover their fangs (in an attempt to hide the weapon? Or to appear less threatening to the narrator?). In S3 they swallow their venom (rather than injecting it into their quarry – the narrator?). Having seen these contradictory images of the adversary, it’s quite disappointing not to get any explanation.
I’ll keep my eye out for future posts
og
I hope you'll forgive a rather detailed investigation of this poem. Once I started reading it, I got rather drawn in.
I like the descriptions here. The writing style makes me think this is a poem directed at a specific person. While that may serve as a good stimulant to inspire your writing, it doesn’t necessarily make the piece accessible to other readers.
The use of ‘causing’ … ‘to’ slows the pace and tension of S1 and S2, imo. I think those verses would read better without that phraseology. E.g.
Your serpentine eyes narrow
in response to me.
Venomous words
drip from your fangs,
Perhaps, as you are using the word venom in another part of the poem (as well as in the title), you might be able to find a synonym for ‘Venomous’ in this particular section. The imagery is sufficiently strong that you don’t need to keep repeating yourself.
You speak
through parted lips,
Is this unusual? Would thinly-parted, for example, be a more interesting image?
The Venom.
It's a little melodramatic to capitalize these words, as they are already the title.
It burns your throat
and moistens your eyes.
Making your smile sparkle
like a newly polished blade.
I think this could all be one sentence, with a comma after ‘eyes’, rather than a full stop.
Is it for me?
While ending with a question can be fun for the author, it can be tiresome for the reader. This particular question isn’t clear to me; is it the smile or the venom that is being referred to?
The link between the narrator and the snake-like adversary has not really been established, only their animosity. So why would the narrator ask the question? As a reader, it feels like an unsatisfactory end point.
What I find very interesting about the story within the poem are the shielded aspects of the adversary. In S1 they cover their fangs (in an attempt to hide the weapon? Or to appear less threatening to the narrator?). In S3 they swallow their venom (rather than injecting it into their quarry – the narrator?). Having seen these contradictory images of the adversary, it’s quite disappointing not to get any explanation.
I’ll keep my eye out for future posts
og
Well, with this poem I was trying to use imagery to tell the story of someone who was angry and wanted to say hurtful things, but instead they swallowed that anger. The end question was asking if that act to hurt me, or to hurt them. If they reacted to me I would have no guilt, because they would strike back, and we'd be even. They use their anger to smile and appear happy, but by doing that their anger is sharpened, and cuts into them or it can cut me. I used the image of the serpent to conjure up connotations of evil (I use the term evil loosely, just meaning darker aspects of human nature). The person in this poem is trying to hide their evil nature by hiding their fangs, and swallowing their venom, instead of striking (like their instincts tell them to). I hope this helps >__>
"As a general rule, people, even the wicked, are much more naïve and simple hearted then we may suppose. And we ourselves are, too."
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
[center]~Dostoevsky[/center]
Excellent detailed crit from og, there. I would only add a couple of things.
One, I don't mind the fact that it's addressed to someone else (who we don't know) - it makes us work a bit, but it's also up to you to give us all the information we need to know what's going on.
Two, absurdly minor point (sort of), but is "vacillate" an adjective? I don't think so. (I'm not sure it's even the word you're after, in a general sense - you may want to look at that again.)
I think it's a good picture of a malicious person. An unprepossessing one!
Cheers
David
One, I don't mind the fact that it's addressed to someone else (who we don't know) - it makes us work a bit, but it's also up to you to give us all the information we need to know what's going on.
Two, absurdly minor point (sort of), but is "vacillate" an adjective? I don't think so. (I'm not sure it's even the word you're after, in a general sense - you may want to look at that again.)
I think it's a good picture of a malicious person. An unprepossessing one!
Cheers
David
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Why the capital letter for serpentine?A mistake? I assumed that the question is it for me? referred to the blade, it must be the culture I was raised in. I don't know why it should be assumed that the subject of the poem is any more malicious than the writer. Attempts to control or hide our anger have a certain virtue, do they not? I didn't think much of this at first, but it has grown on me and I guess that is the sign of a good poem - or a poor reader! best wishes, ray
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.