I find myself dumb

[Lake]

-- 5.12 Earthquake in Sichuan

History repeats itself --
thirty-two years later
on the other end of the planet
my wound is torn open
once again, mercilessly.

The TV screen goes blank
as I aimlessly stare at it.
My words sound as dumb
as wordless, tears helpless as
tearless. Pray, silently I pray.

A blood stained arm reaching
out of concrete debris,
whose hand is held tight
by a hand outside, a battle
between death and life.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identifications of the lost lives.
Time’s running short.
Pray, silently I pray.


Revised

On the other end
of the planet, my wound
is torn open once again,
thirty-two years later.

The TV screen goes blank
as I stare through it.
My words are no words,
my tears are no tears.

A blood stained arm reaching
out of concrete debris,
whose hand is held tight
by a hand outside.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identities of the lost.
Time leaves lives behind.

Revision 2

On the other end
of the planet, a thirty-two
year old wound
is torn open once again.

Out of concrete debris,
a blood stained arm reaches
a hand held tightly
by a hand outside.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identities of the lost.
Time leaves lives behind.

The TV screen goes blank
as I stare through it.
My words are no words,
my tears are no tears.

(reversed the order of stanzas and adopted KK's phrasing.)

[arunansu]

Nice write, though I feel its a bit wordy. My take on this:


On the other end of the planet
my wound is torn open
once again, thirty-two years later.

The TV screen goes blank
as I aimlessly stare at it.
My words sound as dumb
as wordless, tears helpless as
tearless.

A blood stained arm reaching
out of concrete debris,
whose hand is held tight
by a hand outside.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identifications of the lost lives.

Time’s running short.

[barrie]

Hello Lake - I remember the 1976 earthquake in China - I was on holiday in Cornwall and everyone in Britain was moaning about the hot weather and how it hadn't rained for months.

The TV screen goes blank
as I aimlessly stare at it. - 'As I stare through it' maybe. 'Stare aimlessly' is a bit of a cliche.

My words sound as dumb
as wordless, tears helpless as
tearless. - I know what you're trying to say here, but it's a little clumsy. I don't really have an alternative, only

My words are no words,
my tears are no tears.

I think Aru's right about leaving out 'Pray, silently I pray.' - I don't think you need to say that.

Time’s running short. - is another over-used phrase.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identities of the lost.
Time leaves lives behind. - Just a thought.

Barrie

[Lake]

Hi arunansu and Barrie,

Thank you very much for your suggestions. I'll have it edited based on your opinions. I am mad at myself that I find my words are so weak. But still I would like to show my sympathy to those suffering in the earthquake.

Thanks again ( I know I can get help here),

Lake

[Elphin]

Hi Lake

Just a thought it might be more powerful to reverse the order of the stanzas. Start with the particular horrible images of S3 and s4 and end with your feelings in S2.

elphin

[keekee107]

I like this rewrite a lot better than the original. You've ironed out a lot of the cliches that made it difficult to read.

I'm still not a big fan of stanza one.

'On the other end
of the planet, my wound
is torn open once again,
thirty-two years later.'

I just feel it lacks impact and I'm not very keen on the 'my'. It's the planets wound afterall and you are just a person observing. Sure you feel misery and sympathy/empathy for the people suffering so perhaps this could explain the word choice but for me it is a little strong and almost... insincere considering? Personally I'd prefer something like this:

'On the other end of the planet,
a thirty-two year old wound
is torn open once again.'

I'd also switch stanza 2 and 3 around. I feel it would have more impact then and also explaining the images and then saying your TV screen goes blank makes more sense, because afterall if you are staring through the TV screen you wouldn't see these images as such... if that makes any sense at all. As a thought continuity-wise for the new stanza 3:

'Out of concrete debris,
a blood stained arm reaches,
a hand held tightly
by a hand outside.'

Other than that, I really like this poem. Nice topic. Nice ending. Of course take or leave any advice I give. It's all opinions afterall .

Nice job and nice revision.

[Lake]

Hi Lake

Just a thought it might be more powerful to reverse the order of the stanzas. Start with the particular horrible images of S3 and s4 and end with your feelings in S2.

elphin

Hi Elphin,

I think it is a very good idea to reverse the order of the stanzas to make it more powerful. I'll play it around to see how it sounds.

Thanks,
Lake

[Lake]

Hi Keekee,

Thanks for your detailed crit. It is very helpful.

I'm still not a big fan of stanza one.

'On the other end
of the planet, my wound
is torn open once again,
thirty-two years later.'

I just feel it lacks impact and I'm not very keen on the 'my'. It's the planets wound afterall and you are just a person observing. Sure you feel misery and sympathy/empathy for the people suffering so perhaps this could explain the word choice but for me it is a little strong and almost... insincere considering? Personally I'd prefer something like this:

'On the other end of the planet,
a thirty-two year old wound
is torn open once again.'

Keekee, it is my wound, too. I experienced the strong earthquake 32 years ago. But I do like your version 'a thirty-two year old wound' , which can mean the wound of both the planet and people. And a good way to get rid of me, me, me...

I'd also switch stanza 2 and 3 around. I feel it would have more impact then and also explaining the images and then saying your TV screen goes blank makes more sense, because afterall if you are staring through the TV screen you wouldn't see these images as such... if that makes any sense at all. As a thought continuity-wise for the new stanza 3:

'Out of concrete debris,
a blood stained arm reaches,
a hand held tightly
by a hand outside.'

Good thought on this, too. I'll take both your and Elphin's suggestions into consideration and work out another revise.

Will it be better to change the title to "dumbfounded" or keep the title the same way? Or any good suggestions?

I really love this place! No kidding.

Many thanks.

Lake

[David]

I know what you're getting at here, Lake. Words fail you, as they do all of us, but you wanted to make a gesture towards the tragedy. It is an honourable gesture, and you did well.

With cheers and sympathy

David

[kozmikdave]

A difficult piece to write about as it is so close to you, Lake. The rewrite was much improved on the original. Both conveyed your sadness.

[Lake]

Hi David and Dave,

Your words are always encouraging. Thanks. I'll add another revision to see how it sounds.

Best,
Lake

[arunansu]

Your second revision looks much better.