Never Mine To Hold

[leonie]

When I look at the impression

of a life that was almost mine

I can see the prison that was to be my

existance

Your presence was short lived

but you profoundly witnessed what was ahead

and put to rest

the darkness that would have embraced me

Setting aside the selfishness that overwhelms so many

before even touching upon this sentiment

You helped me to break free

from the shackle that had not yet bound me

And this

LIFE

I miss you, whilst knowing

that with you I would be full of heartache

I can now see through the exterior of the walls that were surrounding me

And have since held hands with what I now know as Destiny

For this

LIFE

On the day of your delivery

I thank you

For never being part of me

[Wabznasm]

Welcome to the forum Leonie

It's usually best, before posting in a forum, to read its rules. You'll find that here we prefer each new member to post at least two critiques of another person's poem before venturing out and offering their own. Could you please attend these rules and offer opinions of two other poems?

Thanks a lot
Have fun here
Dave

[ray miller]

I'm still not quite sure I understand this correctly even after perusing it several times. I originally thought that it was from a mother addressing the baby she had chosen, or been obliged, to give up. Now I think I understand it's from the, now adult, baby to the mother who forsook her.
I find the lines Setting aside the selfishness that overwhelms so many
before even touching upon this sentiment
to be very intriguing but quite puzzling.
It must have been painful to write this and it's a good effort, it certainly prompts a lot of thought.
best wishes, ray

[ladyteazle]

I think this poem holds a lot of sadness. I thought it may have been about abortion or miscarriage maybe. It took a lot of guts to write - thank you for sharing it with us.

I wonder why you have chosen the form you did. Also, does it need any punctuation to break up the flow or do you want it to read continuously?

LadyT x

[arunansu]

I don't think capitalization of Life is required here. Not too sure of the idea behind this , but the flow is good, and it is well written. Perhaps an explanation would help.

[smiffey]

Hi leonie,

I'm new to both poetry and the forum - so I hope you will forgive any inaccuracies in my critique.

I get two differing impressions here. One that the narrator has been guided away from one path of destiny towards a better path, the other of an unborn/stillborn scenario, or perhaps it's a bit of both. It, to me is ambigous, but as I seem to write in an ambigous way myself - often from choice, I don't see that as a problem.

I can't comment on the form as I could not tell a technically accurate poem from a rabbit skin!

I felt it flowed smoothly and the feeling the poem left me with was both sadness and hope.

Cheers
smiffey