Poetry Forum

as usual - I'm up for honest critiques

The Lost Tennis Ball

I could hear them before I got there
shouting, laughing and more.
I was going to the playground
to sit on the swing, where
I could be alone with my ups and downs

But they were where I wanted to be:
mother, father, daughter and son,
a whole family; even a dog they
popped out to see, throw a ball
down the path before returning

So I walked round them, sat down
with my back to the fence,
wrote this poem and remembered my friends.

But I could hear them excited,
listened to them call: "mammy" and "daddy",
watched father search for
the lost tennis ball, encourage the dog
two or three times, same colour as the grass,
difficult to find

I stayed there and wrote, waited
for them to leave, then
stood up and pulled the tennis ball from out of my sleeve

I like this, Richard, it's my kind of poem - a groovy central metaphor and something is produced from a sleeve at the end. I think it works pretty well, even if - on a micro kind of level - you seem to be saying that the dog is green.

Nice poem.

Cheers

David

Hi Richard,

As a newbie, I hope you don't mind my amateurish critique!

I found this a good read with a twist in the tail. It's a real world poem.

Only slight problem (it may be me) is in the second stanza, lines 3 - 5, I can't get them to read right:

'a whole family; even a dog they
popped out to see, throw a ball
down the path before returning'

It's me isn't it?

Cheers
smiffey

Thanks for your kind words folks.
Smiffey, your points are as valid as anybody's and are not amateurish at all.
I thought the same of myself about three months ago. Its amazing what hanging around on here can do, and critiqueing others poems serves as a great lesson in helping your own poetry.
With regards to your point I was trying to get some (half) rhymes with family / see / returning.
It would be interesting to see what any others might think of those lines.
Thanks again

Interesting piece Richard.

I think you may have some sentence construction problems that are making the dog green. Here are some idea you may want to ponder just to sharpen it;

In s1 you could play around with the order of the lines to bring out there/where more/before rhymes and trim a little e.g.

Shouting, laughing and more,
I could hear them before I got there
- the playground -
to sit on the swing, where
I could be alone with my ups and downs.

Little point do swings go back and forth or up and down?

even a dog they/popped out to see - I am confused, why would you pop out to see the dog?

Alternative idea for construction for last stanza

I stayed there and wrote,
waited for them to leave,
then stood up, pulled
the tennis ball from out of my sleeve.

A couple of other minor bits and bobs - check if you really need the buts and sos. Also check punc - partic periods at end of each stanza.

Interesting observation piece

elphin

Hi RWH.

I really enjoyed this - sad and a little scary. Small things contribute to what is really a self-portrait: "even a dog", "remembered my friends", "difficult to find". "But they were where I wanted to be" is a really powerful line, as is the last line of course.

Like smiffey, those three lines don't quite make sense: did they pop out to see a dog? To see a dog throw a ball? Does the ball return, or the dog? More clarity needed.

I think "for them to leave, then" is a weak line: I'd just have two long lines at the end, i.e. "I stayed there, writing, waiting for them to leave, / then stood up and pulled the tennis ball from my sleeve." Long lines are heavier, complement the gravity of the conclusion. "Writing" goes well with "waiting". "Sleeve" / "leave" (a good rhyme) is given the prominence it deserves.

Bravo!

K

Again, thanks, very good points.
That first stanza re-write is definitely better than mine too - and will be adopted. Also the ending points too.
I love this site me...
As for the dog. You cant take them into playgrounds. They have to wait outside. Eeeehh, doesnt anyone know this?

Hiya
I really liked the simplicity and tone of this, a lovely voice coming through.. I thought the first stanza was great, I especially liked 'be alone with my ups and downs' - the whole stanza created a very strong image for me.
The 2nd stanza didn't work as well for me. I was confused about the popping out to see the dog. I see now you've explained the reasoning behind that, but maybe it unnecessarily complicates the plot?
I felt the 3rd stanza to be very poignant, and again conjured up an image I could really relate to.
The 4th stanza was a bit confusing too, like David - at first I read it that the dog was green
The twist at the end made me smile, but despite that, I felt the sadness of the piece follow through to the end.

I'm recalling Missionary Man and thinking what exciting times you enjoy just north of Newcastle - dogs everywhere!
I liked this a lot "alone with my ups and downs" is a brilliant line. I do believe that swings go up and down as well as back and forth.Thought the rhymes of be, family, see were also spot on but don't see where "returning" fits in with those as any sort of rhyme at all. But Richard, the(mood) swings, the alienation, envy, anti - social gestures and petty thievery, where will it all end?