Poetry Forum

Edited :-

Dear Suman,

Wish I could send you the autumn sky, the terrace,
those bracts of bougainvillea you planted.

Wish you could rest on your armchair, feel
the rhythm of creation.

Your face appears blurred on the photographs.
But your college campus looks nice.

The rasogollas, gulab jamuns should remain fresh
till they reach you.
Good luck. Good health.

-Ma.


Original:-
Dear Suman,

Wish I could send you the autumn sky, the terrace,
those bracts of bougainvillea you planted.

Wish you could rest on your armchair, sense
the shapeless shape up the Creator.

Your face appears blurred on the photographs.
But your college campus looks nice.

The rasogollas, gulab jamuns should remain fresh
till they reach you.
Good luck. Good health.

-Ma.

Beautiful! A perfect evocation of mingled happy / sad feelings.

Bracts, rasogollas...

Lovely. I'm sorry I can't suggest any improvements.

I agree with k-j, aru, this is beautiful. You got the voice just right, I think.

But - the shapeless shape up the Creator - up?

Still, lovely.

Cheers

David

Hi arunansu,

I thought this was an interesting concept.

The reference to Suman's face being blurred on their campus photo could almost be a reference to the narrator's memory, of Suman's face, fading as well. A nice touch.

Thanks for sharing the poem.

cheers
smiffey

Thanks K-j, David , Smiffey.

Dear David,
This one phrase put me to my wit's end! Now " the shapeless shape the Creator" - isn't something missing? Thats why I used "shape up". Actually Durga Idols are "shaped up" from "shapeless" bundle of clay. Also its the transformation of the formless Divine spirit into a "form".

Cheers.

So enchanting Aru, i feel like i can smell the rasgollas myself. Very nice onomatopaic effects.

The piece flows great and i love the ending, it's very subtle but says a lot.

Well done

dl04.

Indeed Arnu, you are a hidden treasure.

You seem capable of combining subtle humour whilst expounding.

Why not try the "experienced" area?

Thank you everyone. Camus first let me learn to provide constructive critics to others. Fortunately or unfortunately, I find the standard of most poems quite high to remain stuffed in the "beginner's" section.
Trying my best.
Cheers.

No go on, let's see you join Jimi in the Experienced section. Good call by Kris.

Well deserved.

David

Good stuff - just two small points that didnt work for me; shapeless and shape together, and the word nice - which I think is an awful word.
But apart from that good stuff and good luck

Dear friends,
What do you feel about this edited version?
-Arunansu

The meaning is clearer but personally I prefer the original. 'Feel / the rhythms of creation' is too new-agey for my liking. I preferred the mystery of 'shapeless shape up' allied to the distinctness of a particular 'Creator'.

I think I'm in a minority though.