Poetry Forum

You hold my dream in your hands
or at least on your computer screen.
And I've never met you, perhaps never will.
We converse via e-mail,
me in enthusiastic twelve point Ariel,
you in more formal
eleven point Times New Roman

It could go either way, too close to call.
All I can do it sit and wait,
push the tremors back down like that first ever date,
take the dog for a walk as the tide slips away.

Young lovers throw sand, grapple waists by the waves
when all they really want to do is fuck.
This could go either way

Sand dunes collapse, break down fences
resist sandbags, recycled christmas trees.
Crunching through broken shells, I think
at least the dog's smiling at me,
then looking closer I realise
he's showing his teeth as well.

Hi Richard,

The transition from sitting in front of the screen to walking on the beach is neat - surfing to watching the surf - at least that's how I read it.

3rd stanza - brilliant observation.

Cheers
smiffey

Thanks - though to be honest I was thinking of just keeping the first two stanza's and scrapping the rest.
I dont think the last stanza works that well.
Maybe I could keep the first three instead?

Just time for a brief comment right now.

Like the idea and particularly focus on Ariel and TNR. Maybe you could drop s3 and the first half of last stanza but keep the dog and its teeth as that encapsulates the thought that it can go either way.

Have a check on your sp (it/is) and punc and maybe think about the line breaks.

Your on to a good one -get the polish out.

elphin

Hello Richard, I begin to wonder if you aren't under some sort of obligation to portray a dog per poem. I'd echo what Elphin has to say, first two stanzas excellent, good words, good ideas. Sand dunes collapse.......recycled christmas trees, I don't think it works well, but of course you must save the last few lines about the dog.

hi richard
you told me you dont know a lot about poetry but i think you grapped hold of it
now i see my poems r nothing beside yours
i liked the last 3 lines very much
i have read the same meaning in an arabic line
ازا رايت سنون الليث بارزة فلا تظنن ان الليث يبتسم
good work
i wish you all the best
reema

Loved the entire poem, specially S1 and S3. I really liked :

"me in enthusiastic twelve point Ariel,
you in more formal
eleven point Times New Roman"

&

"Crunching through broken shells, I think
at least the dog's smiling at me,
then looking closer I realise
he's showing his teeth as well."

Nice poem.

This has potential.

I think the final stanza is rushed. The first two lines are nearly cryptic and read like an ever funny spam title. And the last three lines, while a good end to a good poem, just don't get their meaning across in much more than a puerile and again, rushed way.

Perhaps if you reconsidered and rewrote the final stanza (and who says it has to be just one verse?), then perhaps I'd like the poem in its entirety. One way to approach it would be to not rewrite the stanza, but to rewrite the ending. That way you have no predefined limitations.

Also, aim for internal consistency within the poem. For example, if you're going to properly insert a comma in one location, then properly insert them all. Don't use punctuation in one area and then just use line breaks to do the same thing later on in the poem.

To punctuate or not to punctuate. And then consistency.

Richard WH wrote: Maybe I could keep the first three instead?

I'll go for this - keep the first 3.
It has a good rhythm as I read it.
"All I can do it sit and wait," as Elphin said, 'it' sb 'is'.

Nice read.

Lake

Hi Richard,
I loved this, wished I'd have written it!
Have a problem with "sand dunes collapse... recycled christmas trees" but more intelligent people than me have already been there!

I like some of the ideas in this a lot - e.g. the fonts - what a lovely honest bit of writing about modern culture. The style of the poem - the informality and chatty nature, I also like a lot.

Personally, I wasn't keen on the first half of the last stanza. It seemed disjointed from the feel of the rest of the poem. Although the lines are nice, you've gone for a feel here with lots of images and ideas presented in a short space of time - contrary to the relaxed style of the rest of the poem. I also didn't like: 'You hold my dream in your hands'. Seemed a bit cliche to me and was an instant 'turn-off'... that might just be me though. I think the ideas could be a little condensed - so they come across more simply and maybe you could get rid of S3. Although I like it, I think you have the ideas presented here already explained thoroughly enough in the poem.

Overall, nice poem with some good promise .

Hello, Richard - are you still there? Come back!

This is very good. There's some excellent advice set out above, but you mustn't let this wither on the vine - it would be too much of a waste.

Come back and finish it.

Cheers

David

Hello
Thanks folks and thanks David
Its been a few weeks, maybe a month.
The thing is - I had to go through my whole novel as I had interest and I now have signed a contract for my debut novel Intentionally Homeless. Plus I'm going into Frankland Prison to do Creative and Therapeutic Writing and have been designing a package to try and get funding for three months work in three prisons.
Thats why I havent been on here. I've been so busy.
But I've thought about Poetsgraves a lot. I love the site.
The way it stands now is that I have about ten poems I've submitted here which have all been given feedback to be much better.
I also have about ten other poems which flew out of me until the good news of the novel struck.
I dont know how much time it would take me to take on board the advice of the good people here, plus finish four or five others and post them.
I kinda feel like I need all my creative head to begin on my second novel, for which I have good ideas.
But then I'll lose the momentum of my new found poetry and this wonderful site.
Perhaps I should come back and work on a poem a month or so, whilst checking weekly to give my own reviews?