Poetry Forum

At least you care enough to write.
Tonight I was forlorn - begat

beneath a tiny leak - that chinese
tortured me, drip by bucket drip,

drop by whirlpool drop, mesmeric
in it's wake, the rain standing still

outside, the dropping stopped
as spam arrived - and all was well.

Hi the stranger,
if I've read this correctly it's about a lonely person who is relieved when th junk mail arrives as it's their only contact with the world.
At first sight the opening line is a happy thought

At least you care enough to write.

but by the end of the poem we realise it's very bleak and ironic, of course the senders of spam don't care at all.

Tonight I was forlorn, begat

beneath a tiny leak, that chinese
tortured me, drip by bucket drip

At first read the word begat really bothered me as it's not a word we use in every day language, but I do see why it's there as it scans really well, I'm just not quite sure the meaning of the word is correct in this context. I'm no expert though so I could well be wrong.


drop by whirlpool drop, mesmeric
in it's wake, the rain standing still

outside, the dropping stopped
and spam arrived - and all was well.

I think this is beautifully written, envoking the noise of the rain and the boredom of listening to it, monotonous. I don't think " and all was well" is a strong enough ending though. All isn't well at all, it's a relief, but a pitiful one, I think you need something a bit more thoughtful.
Overall though it's a very touching poem.

I'm liking it. I second Sn, "begat" is rarely used, and I cannot understand why "the chinese tortured me" - was it a chinese umbrella that was leaking? Not very sure on this. Your ending too, left a lot to be desired. However, I liked the sonics of S3. Nice read.

I was more taken by the language than by the meaning - the sounds are quite 'mesmeric', and the lnking of begat and bucket was inspired.

One to be read aloud.

Barrie

Don't know why you've posted it here though, it should be moved.

Thanks guys.

Oh and welcome sneaker.

Indeed "begat" was a difficult one, as you mentioned it scans well, and to quote from some online source:

1. to cause or create: repetition begets boredom

So it was in.

"And all was well" agreed - a cop out end, on one hand it reinforces the irony, on another it's lame as fuck, I'll ponder another ending, goddam those closures, how to avoid closures...

Arunansu,

Perhaps it doesn't read as it should, maybe a punctuation issue, but what I meant by "that chinese
tortured me" was the dripping of the leak akin to "chinese water torture" a method of securing ones head and slowly dripping water upon it till insanity ensues! At least I think the Chinese can take credit for that one.

Baz,

I like to post in here as "The Stranger" sort of experimental stuff which I'm highly unsure of, it allows me another voice, which is nice.

cheers
TS

very effing good... i hate it when i read something that is genuinly good like that, makes me re-assess my own writing, nevermind. good stuff

Thanks for the confidence boost Cooper, but you are certainly not on your own, I read (become negative, jealous, envious and re-assess on a weekly basis) I'll grow up soon.

cheers
Kris

I think this captures a moment and a feeling rather well.

All was well - lame, absolutely and that's how it should be. It suits the voice of the narrator - is someone waiting for spam going to come out with a big philosophical statement?

I think the trouble with begat is the biblical connotation which places it firmly as gave birth to in the biological sense therefore it comes across as the narrator being begat beneath a leak. Nice thought but not what is meant - saying that Im not sure how you fix the possible misinterp.

another thought - there are a lot of commas going on. How about putting parenthesis before begat and after whirlpool drop to capture the leak?

Experimental - better than that. Nice one.

elphin

It must be quite liberating having another persona. Having said that, we've all rumbled this one now, but still - the possibilities are endless. You could even have been dovesy! (Hmm ...)

Anyway, a nice rumination on spam and its spamminess, and a perfect ending.

Cheers

David

I don't have any constructive crit on this one. I donno if you intentionally formatted the poem this way, but the words seem to drip down. I can't really explain it. Anyways...nice work.