Poetry Forum

As We Sat

As we sat
and watched
the flowers picked
from the meadow

The old church
in turn
watched us

"Is it time to go yet?"

"Not yet."

A young boy
happy to be picking flowers
for his sisters
on a sunny afternoon
during half term

His father
and his sisters
in turn
happy to watch

This was not
the kind of thing
I was planning to write
but it sort of came
all of its own accord
so I thought I'd post it here
for comment.
File under 'hums'.

Jon

An idyllic scene, apparently pure and simple, but is that the shadow of mortality I see silently stealing across the page?

"Is it time to go yet?"

"Not yet."

Still waters and all that, but is it just a clever way of making the reader work harder than the writer did?

I put aside such petty suspicions and accept it on its own terms. I like it.

Is it as uncomplicated as it seems, Jon? And have I complicated it unnecessarily?

Cheers

David

David,

Many thanks for the kind comments. No, you're not over-complicating things, though I was deliberately trying not to over-labour the contrast. See also the verse previous to the dialogue you quoted...

Cheers,

Jon

I must admit to having similar thoughts as David, especially with -

The old church
in turn
watched us - Maybe I'm just too suspicious about undercurrents in seemingly still waters (or is it quiet waters by?).

It all depends on what the reader sees, and not what the writer necessarily means that makes a poem what it is.

It has a childlike innocence about it, which is why I tend to look below the surface.

One line I don't think is needed - during half term. That it was a sunny afternoon is all we really need to know.

nice one

Barrie


Edit - Damn, I've just read your reply to David - You slipped that one in a bit sharpish.

Barrie,

Thanks for comments - I was beginning to worry nobody would notice the significance of the church! Yes, I'd wondered about 'during half term' too, but my gut feeling is still that I need 'something' there, the rhythm doesn't feel quite right without it. Perhaps that something should be a different something (or nothing at all, even). I'll go away to ponder...

Cheers,

Jon

jms wrote:Barrie,

Thanks for comments - I was beginning to worry nobody would notice the significance of the church!

No, that was artfully done. It must (or may) - subliminally - have been what conditioned my response to the snippet of dialogue. Where there's a church there's a churchyard ...

Jon

I see the chaps have played some tennis with this one already so I'll keep the rally going if you don't mind. I just want to add my own thumbs up to what is an impressive piece of writing. You've cleverly made the point about time never really being on our side, by conjuring up one of those wonderfully lazy sunny scenes that we've all experienced, where you don't want the moment to end and, just for those few minutes, it's like time is stands still just for you. A very powerful and poignant feeling that I think you've captured really well.

Yes, the church stands sentinel over the proceedings, biding it's time watching the boy pick flowers. You might be able to reinforce that image of lives coming and going, by having the lad pick daisies which he then makes into a daisy chain -

As we sat
and watched
the daisies picked
from the meadow

...

A young boy
happily making daisy chains
for his sisters
on a sunny afternoon
during half term

Well, it works for me, but it's your rather beautiful baby.

It's good to have you posting, Jon. I like the cut of your jib already.

Cheers.

Oskar,

Many thanks! Some worthwhile suggestions there for me to think about, together with all the above.

It's good to be posting here!

Cheers,

Jon

Hi Jon,

It is so lovely, such a good feel. Like David said idyllic.
I take it what it presents to me, a picture, a painting; not looking for deep meanings.
Actually, it is the contrasts in the first 2 verses and the dialog that attracted me.

we watched the flowers, the church watched us

time to go yet, not yet

This just echoes another poem, something like:

on the bridge you are watching the view
from the tower someone is watching you
the bright moon decorates your window
and you decorate the other’s dream

Enjoyed it.

Lake

Lake,

Many thanks for the comments, glad you enjoyed it!

Cheers,

Jon

i feel this piece would be strengthened greatly by making it more carlos-williams and clipping to halting images the lines, as they demand.
it begins that way but loses integrity later as the lines lengthen...
for example, given your opening two lines, the first stanza

As we sat
and watched
the flowers picked
from the meadow

should be, to my ear, more naturally:

As we sat
and watched
the flowers
picked from
the meadow

and so on.

i hope you don't mind my altering your first stanza.

zalina, x

ps. in case any one had wished to ask but had felt it impolite... yes, english isn't my native language.

zalina, x

Zalina,

Thanks for the suggestions. I can see where you're coming from with the rhythm in the first stanza, however I think the longer line is better in context. I'll ponder the change, though, to see if it grows on me.

Thanks again,

Jon