Poetry Forum

Full term (revision3)

Kicking until born;
outside the first cry is heard
from exhaling lungs.

Bright scissors cut and
sever the lifeline that was;
to dry and drop off.

Scars acquired today
are only the beginning:
the end will leave none.




Full term(revision2)

Kicking until born;
outside the first cry is heard
from exhaling lungs.

Bright scissors cut and
sever the lifeline that was;
to dry and drop off.

This scar delivered
is only the beginning:
the end will leave none.




Full term (Revised)


Kicking until born;
outside the first cry is heard
with unfolded limbs.

Scissors cutting through
sever the lifeline that was;
to dry and drop off.

This scar delivered
is only the beginning:
the end will leave none.


Full term

A kicking inside
becomes a cry when outside
with unfolded limbs.

Sharpened scissors cut
a lifeline severed then tied
to dry and fall off.

Scars acquired today
are only the beginning:
the end will leave none.

.

Dante,

A nice description of birth in verses one and two, and I liked the last line. I wasn't sure, however, whose or what scars you were referring to in the first line of the last verse. A caesarian? Or the aftermath of a difficult birth? I would have appreciated some clarification here, and perhaps another verse beforehand to expand on this.

Cheers,

Jon

Good one again. The second and third verse were excellent - From the cutting of the umbilical to the remaining scar - with death as the last line. Life and death, the reoccuring theme.
I think lines i & 2, V1 could be tightened up.

nice one

Barrie

I second Barrie - a beutifully conceived piece. Enjoyed.
Cheers.

I'm not fond of the SHARPENED scissors, however. Why need this be pointed out? They menace and feel odd to me. The stanza also feels unstable...

Sharpened scissors cut
a lifeline severed then tied
to dry and fall off.

since it reads a number of unwelcome ways. To cut an already severed lifeline? The scissors to dry and fall off? - mightn't the answer be to sever the 1st line from the others? A comma perhaps, or - better - a dash:

Sharpened scissors cut -
a lifeline severed...

I very much like how Full Term puts one also in mind of school. Did you ever recieve a kicking inside which became a cry outside? :

A kicking inside
becomes a cry when outside
with unfolded limbs.

May I ask why you use the word 'acquired' (stanza below)? This is a very significant syntactical moment in the poem and needs to be treated less swiftly. Is there a denser, weightier, more massive verb available? I'm sure there is.

Scars acquired today
are only the beginning:
the end will leave none.

So, yes, beautifully concieved; but let's see if you can deliver...

Obstetrically yours,

zalina, x

Ps. please, please, please forgive the bad punning.
Pps. i'm very impressed with the talent on this forum and that people encourage honesty. it's a pleasure to meet you all.

howdie,

I'm largely with Zk's thoughts and suggestions. Great poem, but could do with a minor tweak.

Interestingly enough (somewhat like Zk), when I read this through the first time, I thought only of bullying and the resultant suffering and self harm. Wasn't til read 2 or 3 I was like "ooooh, birth.. gotcha".
was that intentional?

Many thanks for the feedback on this poem.

Barrie, I can see your point re S1 so have had a re hash, let me know what you think.

Jon, I hope the revised poem adds clarity to the whole thing, I can see where it could be misconstrued.

Zalena, Thanks for the in depth look at the piece. I have reworked it a reasonable amount and hopefully have addressed a good proportion of the issues. I hope the plain old scissors are less menacing for you.
I have not got a clue what a yahoo [bot] is but it does sound quite painful.


TDF, It wasn´t intentional, I have hopefully added some clarity to the poem; so will hang it up and see how it flies now.

Many thanks for the feedback and thoughts, really appreciated.


Danté

outside the first cry is heard
with unfolded limbs. - As it is, it sounds as if the unfolding limbs are doing the hearing. Maybe the 'first cry' could be forced by fresh filled lungs, or something. Or you could use 'as limbs unfold' instead of 'with unfolding limbs'.

Barrie

That's a much clearer read now, improved well I think. Heading to be a nice poem this one.

Scissors cutting through
sever the lifeline that was;
This felt a little clunky for me. Maybe try something like:
"scissors cut through
the lifeline that was"
or
"scissors cut and sever
the lifeline that was"

just a thought, maybe it's just me. keep it coming!
Tom

Barrie and Tom, once again thanks.

I am being stubborn here with the syllable counts so have to work a little harder to maintain form.
Tweaking this is pleasurable; with all the input.
Let's see how it looks now.

Danté

yeah man, I think those simple changes really help it. Rolls really quite nicely now and is very clear. grats.

I was wondering though, verse 3. The pun on delivered. Scar delivered to the baby, baby delivered to the world. Could that not be worked with a little more. Why is this baby a scar? or am I just going down a road on my own here.

nice work mate.

Danté, have you written a version of this which isn't constrained by your chosen form? I'd like to see what you'd do with it. Zalina, x

Dante,

Looking at your revised version, I think verses 2 and 3 are much much better, and a lot clearer. However, I think verse 1 was better in the original. Just to muddy the waters!

Cheers,

Jon

Well folks, I have given this some thought and have now posted what is to me the finished article. I am absolutely going to stick with the 5’7’5 for each stanza; as the poem says all it has to in that small space. Zalina, Nice try, in respect of approaching my breaking form by asking it; in a more subtle manner.

I think I could probably chip away at this for days if I thought it had a need.
Time is precious and I need to write something fresh, so will maybe come back to this at a later date.

This whole process has been of great help as the poem is certainly better than the original.

I would like to thank all of you for reading and your comments.

Danté