I lay on the rooftops every night
tracing lines connecting me to you.
Hoping the stars will someday shift
following the direction of my fingertips.
I can‘t see myself with anyone else:
it’s the curse of idealism you see.
One kiss, and I’ll blindly follow you,
anywhere you wish guide me.
No matter how I struggle
the stars won’t move,
but each night I’ll return to trace.
Hoping they’ll have sympathy on a kindred soul
and return me to the safety of your embrace.
Rooftops
I would love to see a shortened version of this one, Milu.
Here's my take on this:-
I lay on the rooftops
tracing lines connecting me to you.
Hoping the stars will someday shift
following my fingertips.
No matter how I struggle
the stars won’t move,
yet each night I’ll return.
Maybe they’ll have sympathize,
return me to your embrace.
-How about it?
Here's my take on this:-
I lay on the rooftops
tracing lines connecting me to you.
Hoping the stars will someday shift
following my fingertips.
No matter how I struggle
the stars won’t move,
yet each night I’ll return.
Maybe they’ll have sympathize,
return me to your embrace.
-How about it?
Hey, Milu. My only complaint is the length of your last couplet. Cadence got thrown off there, I feel. That's probably the only useful thing I can tell you since the subject matter (luuuuv) is a little out of my comfort zone. XD
"The greater the outward show, the greater the inward poverty."
- Jiddu Krishnamurti, Commentaries on Living
- Jiddu Krishnamurti, Commentaries on Living
Milu
Love poems are tough - so much has been said before so how can they be fresh and how do you avoid the yuck factor. So this is a brave attempt - the theme of the stars may not be new but you have avoided the yuck factor and come up with something someone would be delighted to receive.
The last couplet is cumbersome so too is the sentence structure elsewhere, too many ings in s1 for example - just playing with structure while keeping your words does this sound better?
I lie on the rooftops every night
tracing the lines that connect us.
Hoping the stars will someday shift,
follow the direction of my fingertips.
I can‘t see myself with anyone else:
it’s the curse of idealism you know.
One kiss, and I’ll follow you blindly,
anywhere you wish to guide me.
No matter how I struggle
the stars won’t move,
but each night I return to trace
the return to the safety of your embrace.
hope there is something there for you
elph
Love poems are tough - so much has been said before so how can they be fresh and how do you avoid the yuck factor. So this is a brave attempt - the theme of the stars may not be new but you have avoided the yuck factor and come up with something someone would be delighted to receive.
The last couplet is cumbersome so too is the sentence structure elsewhere, too many ings in s1 for example - just playing with structure while keeping your words does this sound better?
I lie on the rooftops every night
tracing the lines that connect us.
Hoping the stars will someday shift,
follow the direction of my fingertips.
I can‘t see myself with anyone else:
it’s the curse of idealism you know.
One kiss, and I’ll follow you blindly,
anywhere you wish to guide me.
No matter how I struggle
the stars won’t move,
but each night I return to trace
the return to the safety of your embrace.
hope there is something there for you
elph