Poetry Forum

Devolution

Why do people these days
Look so unevolved?
This is progress in reverse,
Unravelling steadily.
Mobius strips unbound and
The thin veneer of civilisation
Descending into ghoulish glee
At the perceived misfortune of others.
No compassion or charity
But all self and loathing.
Charles and his dog must be
Sailing back the way they came!
Progress reviled.

minim, you've been to visit my relatives!
dan

Why did the Chicken cross the mobius strip? ...

zalina, x

wildmountainthyme wrote:minim, you've been to visit my relatives!
dan

Are we related?



And.... is it okay? I need to know.. I had some shallow comments on another site from someone who reckoned they knew poetry and mine was rubbish A very constructive critic.....NOT!

I don't mind if it is rubbish.. i just want to know how to make it better if it is!

hi minim
i like this, it's a bit grim, very true though, as for our dna link, it was when i read the line...so unevolved ...that i couldn't help thinking of my older brother.
still on your xmas card list?
dan

I'll even send you two... one for our brother

Minim

I learned something from your poem - Mobius strips. Using this as the central idea could you explore the idea of de-evolution. The problem you have with your poem just now is that it tells me everything and doesnt show - one rule of poetry is show not tell.

sorry this is a bit negative - read lots and explore how recognised poets write. You have an interesting observation - try and find a theme with which you can explore it.

Elphin

The poem is taking the idea that instead of evolving we are going into reverse.

Charles Darwin sailed in a boat called the Beagle..... hence.. Charles and his dog.

I suppose I thought people would understand the reference.

Thanks for your explanation Min, this has a charm of its own , I don't know why it got shallow comments elsewhere. There are images, but perhaps it would have been better to pack some more! That's why (perhaps) its sounding a lot "telly". But a wonderful read, it is.

minim wrote:The poem is taking the idea that instead of evolving we are going into reverse.

Charles Darwin sailed in a boat called the Beagle..... hence.. Charles and his dog.

I suppose I thought people would understand the reference.

Hi Minim

I don't think the meaning of that bit was ever in doubt, and that's not what Elphin means by "tell-ly instead of show-y". Nonetheless I think that it's a pointless device - I mean, it doesn't sound any more poetic to say "Charles and his dog" than "Charles and his boat", it doesn't evoke anything to do so, and it sounds like the clever-clogs in you is overruling the antivisionary.

I would also question the point of the message, to be frank. "Schadenfreude" is the psychological term for what you have described and it is nothing new - you certainly can't ascribe it to a fault exclusive to our times.

Cheers

Stuart

It's a bit rant-ish, but I enjoyed it. I, too, had to look up "Mobius strips" and I'm glad I did. Yes, the imagery might be a bit scarce, but wouldn't packing it with more defeat the purpose of venting?

For what it's worth, I enjoyed the read, so thank you.

thank you all for your comments.. I shall take them all on board