Selective Memory - HM for AUGUST

[Danté]

Selective Memory

Going to the pictures. Those grand old
Victorian buildings, velvety seats that
would trap my bony arse as they tipped
back, making way. A bag of sweets in
the back row shared with a girl I knew.
To be honest I don’t remember the film
we watched on any occasion, but I can
remember her. She sucked my neck and
left marks that my mother showed some
real disdain for. Her pert breasts, cupped
nicely in my trembling hands. I was so
terrified holding them and felt as though
my life was in peril. An hour passes by,
it all seems less daunting which leads the
mind to other things. A skirt is a wonder
to behold, some real thought must have
been applied. As for tights, now there
is another proposition altogether. Time
can steal almost anything, as the head is
filled with so much more. There now
stands a block of flats on that very spot.
And yet, I still smell her aromatic charm.


.

[Elphin]

d

Interesting trip down memory lane.

You have obviously concentrated on the shape of the verse, either to recreate the cinema screen or the block of flats or both. It is always worth while experimenting. You may though have sacrificed a little on the words e.g. some words look like fillers to get the line length, a couple of cliches crept in (pert breasts, for example) and the line breaks are soemtimes questionable.

That doesnt take away from the fact you tried to experiment - just things to watch for when you do.

elph

[wotsists]

i like the layout it reminds me of a film wheel

[Charlotte]

I really like how the ideas in this poem are so down to earth and straightforward and how, for me, they contradicted my preconceptions of what this poem was going to be like. The first two lines prepared me for a fairly lofty, high- brow and wordy poem, but the third line pleasantly swept the rug from under my feet! I think its a good sign when a poem can surprise you like that.

I think perhaps two lines jarred slightly for me -

To be honest I don’t remember the film
we watched on any occasion,

and

was so
terrified holding them and felt as though
my life was in peril.

and I'll agree that some language-uses felt a little cliche - 'pert breasts' and 'aromatic charm' jump to mind, but this made a very limited impact on my enjoyment and feel barely worth mentioning.

[Ayeshyy]

Some of the language does sound cliche, but I wouldn't change it. The cliche's fit in with the original descriptions in the poem.

Also I like the layout, how there's an odd, changing rhythm throughout. Some of the lines didn't fit for me, but it's a great experiment.


Ayesh x

[Danté]

Thanks for the comments, I might have to have a play with this.
I thought it might get completely slaughtered and never actually wrote the peice with any thought for anything other than the sheer fun of writing and re-living. Yes there are some areas that are cliché and now I have lived with the poem a while I might come back soon and see if I can improve it a little. I love simply writing with utter disregard, it's good for the soul, and then coming back to it with a carpet beater to slap the spontinaety out of it to make it conform. Poets, what are we like?

Thanks again

Danté

[pitseleh]

dante, ive been avidly reading as many of your posts as possible since i became a member here a short while ago and its just because i enjoy reading your stuff. the honest approach you use here is refreshing as sometimes like other have said we too often get hung up trying to sound like some 16th century kings. its tough for me to offer any sort of opinion on the subject matter and wether or not i like it, just because im not sure of myself enough to compare.. but i like the way you talk about writing. its hard to by someone who talks level headedly about poetry. if your dissapointed i cant offer anything more constructive then sorry.

[Danté]

Pitseleh

Thank you for replying to this post and communicating your thoughts. I appreciate what you have said and feel heartened that I have been able to share something from my inner thoughts and experiences. There are some great people here who know their stuff in respect of how to write correctly. I am under no illusion that this forum is a showcase of any kind, although some who visit and post here are people who appreciate what the writing contains without wanting to be too analytical. We all have our aims and aspirations, me included; which is why I would like to improve my array of writing tools without compromising my individual approach. This is a good place to do that on a take it or leave it basis. You have absolutely no need to think in the slightest I might be disappointed by your not feeling able to offer a fuller opinion of the poem. There is plenty of technical know-how around the place and sometimes it is refreshing to simply know someone has read and has enjoyed what the work contains.
I write as an outlet for my creativity, as it is instant and requires no preparation. When I have more time, I get the paint mixed on the palette and get into that zone.
Your voice in my opinion is as valid as any, and not because you enjoy some of my work, but simply because everyone has something to contribute.

Thank you

Danté

[David]

Tim, this is great. Not exotic at all, not culled from your extensive travels (don't get me wrong, I like those as well) but this ... this is funny and local and real. And quite touching too.

Liked it a lot.

Forgive my restless pedantry if I suggest that you probably want disdain, rather than distain, but I'm just helping you to polish this. That's all it needs.

Cheers

David

[Danté]

Thanks David,

Good to see you back on the forum, I noticed your absence.

Well spotted, I have corrected the mistake and appreciate your replying to this. I wrote another poem similar to this on the same day so might post it soon. With the board being quiet I dont want to completely cover the board. I always write at least one poem a day so maybe the slowness will allow me to sort the chaff from the wheat, instead of me posting my daily write. I have a few ideas for varying metred lines so will perhaps have a play with that, as it will slow me down till I get da rhydum sorted.

Adios amigo

Danté

[Elphin]

Congratulations to Dante for getting an Honourable Mention for this work in this months Beginners Features.

Well done from all the mods.

elphin

[David]

Congratulations to Dante for getting an Honourable Mention for this work in this months Beginners Features.

Well done from all the mods.

elphin

Yep, well done Tim. Featured in Experienced (for Art), HM here ... can no-one stop this man?

Cheers

David

[Oskar]

I've read this one several times and enjoyed. It probably strikes a chord with most people and has a sort of appeal that brings the reader back for another peek.

It put me in mind of a song by Big Star, called Thirteen. I've posted it in the Music Discussion section if you're interested. It has a similar sort of charm.

Congratulations btw.