Poetry Forum

Harvest

The barn doors swing then open wide revealing steel
he brings to life each rolling blade and turning wheels.
A piercing squeal of cold distress the resting tyres
from year’s arrest now creak along as engines fire.

In acres grown which lie ahead from where each grain
for baking bread is thrashed to yield and then detained.
Dust from chaff is breezed on air teasing without care
as metal groans to gather whirling hungry gears.

Swathes are cut revealing soil bared across the land
when filled to full each sack tied tight by eager hands.
bales of straw can suck no more all are tightly bound;
a choking on the husk, the stubble to be ploughed.




Harvest (Original)

The barn doors swing then open wide revealing steel
to bring to life each rolling blade and turning wheels.
A piercing squeal of cold distress the resting tyres
from year’s arrest now creak along as engine fires.

In acres grown which lie ahead from where each grain
for baking bread is thrashed but has no feel for pain.
Dust from chaff is breezed on air teasing without ears
as metal groans to gather whirling hungry gears.

Swathes are cut revealing soil bared across the land
when filled to full each sack tied tight by eager hands.
Bales of straw no more can suck all are tightly bound;
a choking on the husk, the stubble to be ploughed.


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Dante

You nailed this one in terms of rhythm and rhyme (partic impressed with those that are not end line such as ahead/bread). I am partial to bound/ploughed - see how its less full on and therefore more effective IMO.

I am sure its iambic but my scanning is awful so I'll let others confirm.

A piercing squeal of cold distress the resting tyres/from year’s arrest now creak - good line. Year arrest is clever.

If I should nit pick it would be some of the construction. For example, in l1 and l2 is it the opening of the doors or the steel that brings to life.

l4 - engines fire would be more natural
l6 - understand linking thrashed to no feel for pain but does it really mean anything
is ears in l7 corny. Sorry!!

Well done - you are putting in a ton of effort and getting your rewards.

elph

Thanks Elphin

I see your points and have in some way hopefully made better use of those areas in the poem.

Your encouragement is valued as is your time

Many thanks

Danté

Hello Tim - I quite like the first and last verse, but the middle one seems a little forced to me. The language is rather drawn out -

In acres grown which lie ahead from where each grain
for baking bread is thrashed to yield and then detained.

The last line doesn't sound too logical -

as metal groans to gather whirling hungry gears.

Maybe you could use wheel in V1 instead of the plural -

he brings to life each rolling blade, each turning wheel

A harvest of poems of late.

Barrie

Haii Dante

I actually really liked this poem, particularly the line structure and rhythm
a choking on the husk
and
as metal groans to gather whirling hungry gears.

being particular favourite lines
I actually have no suggestions for improvement for your edited version (:

Amazing poem xx
Ayesh

Tim, wonderful sonics and rhythm. I second Barrie regarding the middle part. However, the revision sounds better. Beautiful descriptions.
Smiles.