Socialization

[Ladyhawk]

Socialization

Constricted within these hidden walls
our lungs exhale air with garbage, inhaling
the intoxicating bubbles that sparkle in the light
though burns inside the lining where your desires lay.
The scars restrict your every breath, curbing your free voice
suppressing your inquisitive thoughts like brutal hammering.
The walls echoed commandments through universal bars,
trapping us like fattened chickens succumbing to the circling vultures high above.
The best are granted a quicker success, though born to labour their eggs
laying amidst the darkness as masters profit and glorify power.

Different frequencies control the makings of the social conventions
Like birds of prey endure life with clipped wings, walking
the spider web of cross roads that muddle the harried minds.
Whether to cross the London Bridge to a quieter destiny
or plunge into the depths of the growing flowing papered faeces
ejected by lost souls that are swimming with exhaustion,
drowning in dreams.
Whilst breathing specks of dust that clouds the minds
like roaring volcanoes that block out sunlight, wilting life.
The bark diminishes as the mechanical beast cuts through in one swoop.
Only time can heal the aftermaths as time determines the consequences.

A place where choices disappear like the lands before
where the sea rises, undressing the shores, chipping away
chipping away, unseen by the naked eye. Until one day
the foundation gives, like life has been annulled with a blink
so watch the shores and see the sea crashing waves and remember...
listen to the rush like poets illustrating his words
the truth is there waiting and waiting to be heard once again
and to understand them....before time decides for you
like the silvery moon slipping further away and
the sea loses its rhythmic journey and lands
becoming lost where life could vanish and soon you are...
alone.

(Revised version illustrating a working progress)

Socialization
Constricted within these hidden walls
our lungs exhale air with garbage,
inhaling the bubbles
that burns the lining of desires.
Scars restricts every breath, curbing the voice
suppressed inquisitive thoughts hammering.
Walls echoe commandments from universal bars,
trapped like chickens succumbed to the circling vultures high above.
born to labour their eggs
laying amidst the darkness as masters expand acres of land.

frequencies control social conventions
Like birds of prey with clipped wings, walking
the spider web. Cross roads that muddle the harried minds.
Whether to cross the London Bridge to a quieter destiny
or plunge into the depths of the growing flowing papered faeces
ejected by lost souls that are swimming with exhaustion,
drowning in dreams.
Breathing specks of dust like roaring volcanoes
that block out sunlight, wilting life.
The shiny beast cuts through in one swoop.

Choices disappear like the lands before.
The sea rises, undressing the shores, chipping away
unseen by the naked eye. Until one day the foundation gives,
and life has been annulled
Crashing waves like the rush of poets
illustrating his words ...the truth.
Waiting and waiting to be heard once again
and to understand before the tide disappears.
As the moon slips further afar
and sea loses its rhythmic journey, swirling mist.
Cold bites and heart beats
slows to a faint flutter

Socialization

Constricted within these hidden walls
our lungs exhale air with garbage,
inhaling the bubbles
that burns the lining of desires.
Scars restricts every breath, curbing the voice
suppressed thoughts hammering with choice.
Commandments echo from universal bars,
trapped chickens succumbed to circling vultures high above.
born to labour their eggs
laying amidst the darkness as masters expand acres of land.

frequencies control social conventions
Like birds of prey with clipped wings, walking
the spider web. Cross roads that muddle the harried minds.
Whether to cross the London Bridge to a quieter destiny
or plunge into the depths of the growing flowing papered faeces
drowning in dreams of yesterday

The sea rises, undressing the shores, chipping away
The foundation gives, and life vanished
Crashing waves like the rush of poets
illustrating his words ...the truth.
Waiting to be heard once again, an echo
to understand before the tide disappears.
The moon slips further from sea,
currents loses its rhythmic journey,
Cold bites and heart beats
slows to a faint flutter

I am working on your comments Dante on how I can accomplish this in the best way hopefully I can break this up. I am also trying to de clutter it.

[Danté]

"Whilst breathing specks of dust that cloud(s) the minds"?

Hi Ladyhawk

Welcome.

You have a lot of good metaphors going on here, in a whole lot of text that I personally found had me wondering what it was all about by time I got to each verse break. But then I ate loads of beef in the eighties which may account for my sense of confusion.
I can see what you are saying here and enjoyed the journey through the poem.
Personally I would like to see the the strongest pointers woven together in a poem much tighter than this, which would probably leave enough trimmings for another two or three poems.
The long stuff has its place, the trouble is, that people can be a little intimidated or simply don't have time to offer a deliberated response to such a large amount of text.

keep em coming, I hope my comments are of some use to you.

Kind regards

Danté

[Ladyhawk]

Thank you for your comments, Very interesting points there, which has got me thinking. I confess it is heavy and dense.
In answer to breathing in specks of dust- it is a metaphor for saying you listen to a minority (ie politicians) and except or conform it against your own judgement... so the dust you inhale clouds your mind (makes you sick)

I will have another read and see what beneficial changes I can make; your suggestions were very welcoming.

I have already began to enjoy this forum as it gives realistic perspectives and honest criticisms. THank you again..

[Elphin]

Welcome on board Lady H.

A respectable first post with lots going on. Good advice from Dante - take your very best images and see if you can convey your message in fewer lines. That is always a good exercise.

Watch out too for overused images - naked eye and silvery moon for example.

Also not every noun needs modified - hidden walls,intoxicating bubbles, brutal hammering and so on. See if some can convey what you want alone.

Hope to read more and make sure you read lots of poets and pick up the best techniques.

elph

[LaMOi]

I think you need to trim this poem, I think its too cluttered and would be more effective simplified somewhat? im not sure about all the metaphors used.But i like the content, and the subject.

[Ladyhawk]

Well thank you for your comments it has been great reading them.

I do have a question- when people say de clutter do they mean too many words needs reducing or does it mean it is too dense and heavy read?
There are many arguments that brush this subject. That's what makes this interesting. Just a thought there guys.

Keep posting your comments folks.


Ripping pages ha ha...lol


Cheers

Ladyhawk

[pitseleh]

I think what people man without sounding to direct is make it shorter. criting poems can take a long time on even the shortest of poems if you want to give any sort of useful advice, so there really isnt much chance of someone putting something with as much content as this has under the microscope, i think.

[Raisin]

Hi,
I like this, the revised poem looks much better on the page. "De-clutter" is to take some of the un-needed bits out, so it looks a bit smoother and more controlled. Good use of language,
"Like birds of prey with clipped wings, walking
the spider web" >you have a lot of stuff like this in your poem and it works very well.
Thanks,
Raisin

[Ladyhawk]

Thank you for all you help folks, I think this will take some time. I have now made it a long process as it is quite heavy as pointed out by a few. I guess i will have fun playing with it for a while. Keep coming with the comments people it always helps. I am not very good at keeping it simple so it a good challenge for me woohoo- a challenge!Cheers

Ladyhawk