Poetry Forum

Revised 2

Butterflies of forgiveness

I walked through double doors
into this strange temple.
a figure stood waiting
still, calm and gentle

In the middle, I sat down,
there he knelt in silence,
staring beyond his white gown,
still, hushed and patient.

He saw into my heart
blood spilled from my wounds.
He raised his hands apart.
Bursting from their cocoons

the grief and pain I dealt with
becomes something worthwhile.
that’s when I learnt to forgive,
butterflies flew away denial

I stepped into my church
like many sundays before,
somehow today's different
opening all my doors.

mixed colourul skies
soaking auras of love,
I saw many butterflies
fluttering high above.

I began, to comprehend
what they represent
A bereaved man I’d not known
told me a salient story
butterflies he apprehended
the subsequently glory
His wife's spirit grinned, content,
symbolising, amended.Revised

Butterflies of forgiveness

I walked through double doors
into this strange temple.
where stood this man in waiting
still, calm and gentle

In the middle, I sat down,
there he knelt in silence,
staring beyond his gown,
still, hushed and patience

I opened up my heart
resentment poured from my wounds.
He raised his hands apart.
Bursting from their cocoons

the grief and pain I dealt with
becomes something worthwhile.
that’s when I learnt to forgive,
my butterflies flew by miles

Arosed, I walked into church
like many sundays before,
somehow it's different
opening all my doors.

I sighed when I looked up high
soaking auras of love,
I saw many butterflies
fluttering nigh above.

I began, to comprehend
what they represent
A bereaved man I’d not known
told me a salient story
butterflies he apprehended
the subsequently glory
His wife's spirit grinned, content,
symbolising, amended.



Original


Butterflies of forgiveness

I walked through double doors
into this strange temple.
There stood this man in waiting
still, calm and gentle

In the middle, I sat down,
there he knelt in silence,
staring beyond his gown,
still, hushed and patience

I opened up my heart
resentment poured wounds.
He raised his hands apart
butterflies left their cocoons

The grief and pain I dealt with
becomes something worthwhile.
that’s when I learnt to forgive,
my butterflies travelled by miles

I woke up. I walked into church
like many sundays before,
somehow today is different
it opened up my doors.

I looked around and up high
soaking all this love,
I saw many butterflies
fluttering high above.

Then I began, to comprehend
the insinuate of butterflies.
A bereaved man I’d not known
told me a salient story
the butterflies he apprehended
the subsequently glory
I saw his wife look down, content,
butterflies symbolisin, amended.

Lady H - you are irrepressible.

There is something very endearing about this but Im going to be harsh on you - hope you dont mind. Three things

use more active words - butterflies should do more than leave their cocoon. How about burst or rip or explode
cut the piece to the bone - after s4 it becomes repititve
watch the rhythm - beat it out Da Dum Da Dum or whatever you choose.

I like the half rhymes - temple/gentle, silence/patience - they are more subtle aren't they?

So here is roughly where I would end up

I walked through double doors
into this strange temple
where stood a man, waiting
still, calm and gentle.

In the middle, I sat down,
he knelt in silence,
stared beyond his gown,
still, hushed, with patience.

I opened up my heart
poured resentment from my wounds.
He raised his hands apart,
butterflies burst from their cocoons

The grief and pain I dealt with
became something worthwhile,
that’s when I learnt to forgive,
and my butterflies travelled for miles.

Something like that - there still some tame words but I'll leave it to you. See what you think.

elphin

About flipping time I got some realistic feedback. I got fed up with hearing how wonderful it was. I felt something was not right but it takes an outside view to shake my bones, unfortunately no one was willing to say anything. I like your suggestions very logical and god why do people keep saying I'm harsh, if it gets your goat up then say it. I felt it was.... I don't know flimsy in places (get what I mean?) I really want to make this work though as I see it has a nice metaphor there . As for the rhythm I was unsure about that now it makes sense . I have one question am I allowed to use your suggestions or tweak similarly?

Yes I am irrepressible as you refer.... maybe its because I am uneducated girl who was raised in the sticks and nobody telling me to conform with ticking boxes (how else does new things crop up?) Plus I am deaf as a post, which sucks so I don't get to hear people like you spouting the proper ways (no offence is intended here by the way). Terrible I am I know - throw the book at me lol (I can read better) At uni I am worse I bring up sh*t that make tutors hair curl (yes I have back up too - referencing)but sometimes it undo's their work some tutors love it others well shall we say get alittle vexed. I guess the quieter world enhances a different part of me. However, my vocabularly is very limited so I guess I have to work abit harder to find the right expression (I do pick the wrong words frequently even in essays)

I thank you dearly for your input though. Please accept my apology if I have antagonised you in any way (believe me despite messages takes awhile to sink in I will get there eventually) I am not going out of my way to be uncontrollable .

Cheers and thanks again

Ladyhawk

Ladyhawk

I like this, but further fixes for the revised version are not five minute random droppings, for that reason, I will not insult the poem by offering, off the cuff ditties which are useless.

"still, hushed and patience" this does not look right, would patient, or, with patience read better?

Are you using a form, where the verse endings can also read as a poem?

It really is worth nailing this one, and I will offer a more in depth set of suggestions, when I have the time it deserves, if you have not already settled, alighted, landed, dropped, onto your final draft by then.

Thanks for the read, and for your replies to other work of mine, that I have not yet caught up with, I have read them and will get there asap.

Danté

with patience read better?

Dante, you really seem to begin grasping my problem here. The word 'with' instead of 'and' is exactly the problem I run into at times. When pointed out it makes sense. When I lip read I miss out little things like this as I have to fill them in myself. To get a better idea, here is an example The cat sat on the mat I only get
e a a on e a . When you say 'I am going to the pub'. I get 'going pub', the rest is guess work. However, I still love language and the musical flow of it, so I guess that is why I seem out of control lol. Thank you for this I will now have a closer look to possible other grammatical mistakes here.

Thank you

Ladyhawk

Hi Ladyhawk,
I think Elph is right this is utterly charming but, definitely needs taking in hand in places.
a few ideas for what they're worth, please ignore everyone if you think I'm talking rubbish (wouldn't be the first time )


Butterflies of forgiveness


I walked through double doors
into this strange temple
where stood this man in waiting a man would read better, don't like the repetition of this
still, calm and gentle

In the middle, I sat down,
there he knelt in silence,
staring beyond his gown,
still, hushed and patiencedefinitely patient as Danté suggested

I opened up my heart a bit clichéd, perhaps "I showed him all my heart"?
resentment poured from my wounds.don't like this line, too long
He raised his hands apart.
Bursting from their cocoons

the grief and pain I dealt with
becomes something worthwhile.
that’s when I learnt to forgive,
my butterflies flew by milesthis line is a tad clumsy, I know "by miles" rhymes but it's a bit obvious

Arosed, I walked into churchdon't think "arosed" is a word
like many sundays before,
somehow it's different
opening all my doors.

I sighed when I looked up highperhaps "I looked up to the sky
soaking auras of love,to floating auras of love,
I saw many butterfliesthere were a million butterflies
fluttering nigh above.fluttering high above"

I began, to comprehend
what they represent
A bereaved man I’d not known
told me a salient story
butterflies he apprehended
the subsequently glory
His wife's spirit grinned, content,
symbolising, amended.you loose the structure a bit on this stanza

sorry reading back it seems a bit hard, but I do think it's a lovely idea and worth having a good prune.
Cheers,
Sneaker

sneaker wrote:[It's] worth having a good prune.

It's always worth having a good prune. So liberating.

I agree with Sneaks and David, pruning is good! I like what you have done in the revision,

I opened up my heart
resentment poured from my wounds.>I thought maybe here you could have "spilled" instead?
He raised his hands apart.
Bursting from their cocoons>I like the imagery here.

Skipped a couple of stanzas in the middle and beginning because I didn't really have any comments, they are all very nicely written

I sighed when I looked up high
soaking auras of love,> nice language here
I saw many butterflies
fluttering nigh above.>do you mean "high"?

I began, to comprehend
what they represent
A bereaved man I’d not known
told me a salient story
butterflies he apprehended
the subsequently glory
His wife's spirit grinned, content,
symbolising, amended.>and I like this whole stanza!

Thanks,
Raisin

Ladyhawk,

Glad to see you working this through. Here are a few more ideas you might wish to consider.
Forgive me for playing with the whole thing, there is something about this, It deserves the attention.

Butterflies of forgiveness

I walked through double doors
into a strange temple.
A man, stood waiting
still, calm and gentle

In the middle, I sat down,
where he knelt in silence,
staring beyond his white gown,
still, hushed and patient.

He saw into my heart,
blood spilled from my wounds.
He raised his hands apart,
bursting from their cocoons

The grief and pain I dealt with
became something worthwhile.
That’s when I learnt to forgive,
the butterflies released my denial.


As I step into my church
like many Sundays before,
somehow, today is different,
I open all my doors.

Mixed colourful skies,
soaking the auras of love.
I see many butterflies
fluttering high above.

I begin, to comprehend
what they represent.

A bereaved man I’d not known
told me this salient story.
Butterflies he apprehended
and the subsequent glory.

His wife's spirit grinned, content,
symbolising her amendment.

.