Dissolved

[Dalena]

Dissolved

Chipped nails
stumbling on broken
stilettos, in a
biting wind
where my tears sting.

Bleakness washed
into my faded
view, of broken
and discarded
looking forward to.

I have no cake
on which to
pirouette gracefully,
while held tightly
in loving arms.

In the cold, littered
and stilted,
concrete wasteland
of my life,
where wrappers
skip quietly by.

Come rescue me,
I’ll be your, Polly pocket,
come rescue me.

[David]

Oh, Polly Pocket. I remember them. (I speak as a father, you understand, not a user.)

This is very good, Dalena. Affecting. Bleak. Bloodied but unbowed. I think.

I enjoyed it, if it doesn't sound too perverse to enjoy the sight of someone's bleeding heart.

Cheers

David

[Cooper]

yes yyes yes.. dark, affecting and provocactive. the pace is right, side stepping here and there.. like it

edit stoned

[wildmountainthyme]

a rough night dalena? brutal portrayal of a hopeless and luckless lady. really grim but you write it with such class.
cheers
dan

[Raisin]

Very well written, I remember Polly Pocket as well, though also not a user, just remember the adverts on TV.
Nice read, thanks,
Raisin

[Oskar]

Dalena

I like this one a lot. All very sharply observed and desolate.

In the cold, littered
and stilted,
concrete wasteland
of my life,
where wrappers
skip quietly

You've got some great sounds clattering against eachother here. Very nice.

Can't stand Polly Pockets. I hoover up the bloody things when my daughter isn't looking.

Cheers

[David]

Can't stand Polly Pockets. I hoover up the bloody things when my daughter isn't looking.

You swine!

[Dalena]

I'll be all paranoid when I hear a vacuum cleaner now.............

Thanks for the positive replies..............blush.

David, a bleeding heart, is ink for my pen..........best used before it dries, don't you think?

Cooper, glad you liked..........stoned......very naughty.......tut,tut...

Dan, a few rough nights, but light is always at the end of the tunnel, thank you.

Raisin, no Polly of your own.....that's really sad..........I loved them, thank you.

Oskar, I have to disaprove.......the image of poor Polly.....being sucked sensless.....is chilling. Thank you.

All the best.............

Dalena x

[charbird]

I like it for all the imagery etc, as already noted. I used to love Polly Pockets!

Personally, I wouldn't use a comma before Polly Pocket, in the final stanza ... if you wanted a pause before it maybe just put it on a separate line for emphasis. But I guess its personal preference.

[arunansu]

Gem of a write, no doubt.

[Suzanne]

great.
The line about having no cake is the best line of all.
I think that the feelings are universal but the personal loss of having no cake, that made the poem unique/personal to the brokenhearted speaker... and the reader became an empathic viewer.

I want to get this girl a nice warm blanket and some good slippers until she figures out what she wants to do next.


Suzanne