Almost A Pavement Café
Almost a pavement café,
we sit barefoot by the sea,
peering out from our Hernando’s,
window seats and a wrought iron table,
well-elbowed and
glazed in red wine shadow.
Perched high up
we survey those gull’s blushes,
from flirty terns,
and staring down
sunny day strollers
host their shopping trawl
for the fashionable.
Past your swimming eyes,
I mentally tip toe onto
a small island of beach that surfaces,
its grazing pebbles, up for a tan,
loll sweetly where the sea laps,
and somewhere warm within me,
we are arm in arm.
Almost A Pavement Cafe (OCTOBER FEATURE)
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stuartryder
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I thought this was very fine imagery, conjuring up Cornish coastal postcards for me. I only felt that the glut, of commas, and sentence structure, embedding phrases within phrases, got a bit confusing, pushing me away slightly, rather than arm in arm by the end of the poem.
Sort that out and it's a gem.
Cheers
Stuart
Sort that out and it's a gem.
Cheers
Stuart
As stuart said, some very fine imagery here.. my favourite example being 'up for a tan'. The poem is very well paced, atmospheric and keenly constructed.. you captured the feeling very well.. an enjoyable read
I think flirty terns has a crisper sound than flirty, roasting terns - gets rid of another comma too.
nice one
Barrie
nice one
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
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Suzanne
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Can I come, too?
You had my attention immediately with the red wine shadow, ahhh.
and then I felt irritated that those other outside, fashionable influences were intruding on us, until you took us out to the little island with the tanning pebbles.
This was very lovely, like a little vacation.
Suzanne
You had my attention immediately with the red wine shadow, ahhh.
and then I felt irritated that those other outside, fashionable influences were intruding on us, until you took us out to the little island with the tanning pebbles.
This was very lovely, like a little vacation.
Suzanne
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Raisin
- Preponderant Poster
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- Location: The land of daffodils and leeks
Hi El,
I liked this, reminded me a bit of the beach during the holidays in Normandy.
"Perched high up
we survey those gull’s blushes,
from flirty terns,"
This is lovely, "flirty terns" works better than the previous line, good decision. Also I like the role reversal with "perched high up", you switch around with the birds, so nice language there. The rest is lovely, you have used very nice imagery as the others have said.
Just one suggestion,
"a small island of beach that surfaces "
Instead of "island" I thought you could have "sliver" or "slice of beach", it might sound more secluded, and you could create some alliteration as well
Just a suggestion though, lovely read, so thanks.
Raisin
I liked this, reminded me a bit of the beach during the holidays in Normandy.
"Perched high up
we survey those gull’s blushes,
from flirty terns,"
This is lovely, "flirty terns" works better than the previous line, good decision. Also I like the role reversal with "perched high up", you switch around with the birds, so nice language there. The rest is lovely, you have used very nice imagery as the others have said.
Just one suggestion,
"a small island of beach that surfaces "
Instead of "island" I thought you could have "sliver" or "slice of beach", it might sound more secluded, and you could create some alliteration as well
Just a suggestion though, lovely read, so thanks.
Raisin
In the beginning there was nothing, and it exploded. (Terry Pratchett on the Big Bang Theory)
I know a dark secluded place
A place where no one knows your face.
A glass of wine, a fast embrace.
It's called Hernando's Hideaway. Olé!
Oh yes. Nice one, Wowser. I do agree with Stu about the complexity of the sentences though - in that first stanza it appears to be you who are well elbowed and / glazed in red wine shadow, which I suppose is possible (well elbowed?), but ...
I got confused about who was perched high up as well.
No matter. Piffling pedantries. (Well, not really, but never mind.)
A good picture, thoughtful phrasing, job pretty much done.
Cheers
David
A place where no one knows your face.
A glass of wine, a fast embrace.
It's called Hernando's Hideaway. Olé!
Oh yes. Nice one, Wowser. I do agree with Stu about the complexity of the sentences though - in that first stanza it appears to be you who are well elbowed and / glazed in red wine shadow, which I suppose is possible (well elbowed?), but ...
I got confused about who was perched high up as well.
No matter. Piffling pedantries. (Well, not really, but never mind.)
A good picture, thoughtful phrasing, job pretty much done.
Cheers
David
Yes, you got the hideaway David, well spotted, it was high up because............
it was a flat overlooking a beach promenade...
on wrought iron tables, people watch with elbows on the surface....and the red wine...was its shadow
huge thank yous for the ideas and reply
El
it was a flat overlooking a beach promenade...
on wrought iron tables, people watch with elbows on the surface....and the red wine...was its shadow
huge thank yous for the ideas and reply
El
I'm very taken with this!
Didn't get "gull's blushes / from flirty terns". Who's blushing, the gulls or the terns, and at whom? Second verse as a whole is a bit weak.
First and third I love. The buoyancy and tipsiness of "peering out", "loll sweetly", "well elbowed" (which last I would hyphenate) are charming. As is the arm-in-arming of the last two lines.
Didn't get "gull's blushes / from flirty terns". Who's blushing, the gulls or the terns, and at whom? Second verse as a whole is a bit weak.
First and third I love. The buoyancy and tipsiness of "peering out", "loll sweetly", "well elbowed" (which last I would hyphenate) are charming. As is the arm-in-arming of the last two lines.
fine words butter no parsnips
Congratulations, El. Loved the read, like others.
Cheers.
Cheers.