Poetry Forum

Scurry Home Judas

Peter turns in his grave
as the jejune church
fails to enclave
and scurry home Judas.

Mathaus and Pedro
have deedpolled to Troy
and Zac,
and theres no
turning back,
so scurry home Judas.

Half open pits
resemble music halls
and everyone sits
on white plastic
council estate
barbecue chairs.

The main man is not
in fancy dress today
but instead,
kneels in a sharp
suit to pray
and thank
American Airlines

for his safe passage
to a foreign land
which he calls his own
with an outstretched hand
promising to save the soul
of those who put silver in
his very large bowl.

His stentorian sermon
promises magic
to the seated spellbound
and Pedro and Mathaus
are already forgotten,
so scurry home Judas.

Merlin,

Really enjoyed this! Got the old grey matter thinking!

Mick

merlin,

This is a thought evoking piece, with no real nits by way of structure, puctuation ect.
For me verse three is probably the weakest, for some reason the images did not come over as well as the rest of the poem. I thought white plastic council estate chairs is a little weak, and couldn´t feel completely at ease with the pits like music halls, I think you could work a little harder with that metaphor.
I know with the council estate lines, you don´t want to make it cliché, but I do think again, there are more weighty descriptions available to you. Don´t get me wrong, I like the poem and enjoyed it for several different reasons, the juicy wording being one of them.

Just a couple of suggestions, which I hope are useful.

Many thanks

Danté

Mick - thanks for looking in....

Dante - I agree,that verse is very weak. In fact I am considering binning it completely,upon reflection, don't think it's needed...

Merl, you really threw the thesaurus at this one. Jejune! Enclave! Actually, those are the only jaw-breakers, I think.

I really like the gospelly sound of scurry home Judas, but I couldn't quite follow what was going on. Maybe take another look at it, see if there are any bits you need to clarify?

I'd like to see another go at this.

Cheers

David

David - thanks for your comments....yeah, Jejune is a thesaurus jobby, enclave wasn't though...

Will rewrite this I think