Poetry Forum

Revised....



I'm pushing it.
Too much,
too soon

for comfort.
I should
hedge my bets,

play
away,

sway
with you,

but sleep
in my own bed.

I
feel you.
Not fair

that I care.
Should I
exercise,

be exorcised?
Recognise
potential demise

if I push,
too much
too soon.



Original...


I'm pushing it
too much,
too soon

for comfort.
I should
edge my bets,

play
away,

sway
with you

sleep,
in my own bed.

I
feel you.
Not fair

that I care.
Should I
exercise,

be exorcised?
Recognise
potential demise

if I push,
too much
too soon.

Hello Mesme -

for comfort.
I should
hedge my bets,

Good exercise in rhyme.

Barrie

Mesmie,

Interesting read....... I think I can relate to this.

Keep them coming!

Mick

This is a nice write - a fun enjoyable read... I like the rhyme too, and the way it is structured...

No nits - it is what it is!

Nice one

Mesmie

Very cleverly written. Almost hypnotic in style.

I wondered if the word ‘sleep’ was a little bit lonely on a line all by itself. There is a deft use of structure that makes me think, “Oh no! They’re going to sleep with someone else.” If the line was ‘and sleep’ or ‘but sleep’, would that accentuate the moment of tension?


enjoyed

og

hi mesmie,

og has a decent enough point there. apart from that only one nit. The first line needs a full stop after it for me. When you say "im pushing it" that already implies the "too much".. In another sentance woujld be ok though, hence the full stop.

cheers
harrison

I enjoyed this and the way that it read with some hesitation. It mimicked the mood and turmoil very well.
Liked the format style, too.

Suzanne

barrie wrote:Hello Mesme -

for comfort.
I should
hedge my bets,

Good exercise in rhyme.

Barrie

Thaks Barrie oi who nicked me 'h'?....honestly a girl can't close her eyes for one minute the dreaded 'h' nicker has struck again duly put back in place..

Mickpjb wrote:Mesmie,

Interesting read....... I think I can relate to this.

Keep them coming!

Mick

Thanks Mic will try...

Merlin wrote:This is a nice write - a fun enjoyable read... I like the rhyme too, and the way it is structured...

No nits - it is what it is!

Nice one

Merlin thanks for the lovely comment

oranggunung wrote:Mesmie

Very cleverly written. Almost hypnotic in style.

I wondered if the word ‘sleep’ was a little bit lonely on a line all by itself. There is a deft use of structure that makes me think, “Oh no! They’re going to sleep with someone else.” If the line was ‘and sleep’ or ‘but sleep’, would that accentuate the moment of tension?


enjoyed

og

Think thats a great idea og and its been adopted...thanks for the pointer..I enjoyed writing this one..

pitseleh wrote:hi mesmie,

og has a decent enough point there. apart from that only one nit. The first line needs a full stop after it for me. When you say "im pushing it" that already implies the "too much".. In another sentance woujld be ok though, hence the full stop.

cheers
harrison

Done and dusted sir...thanks for reading...

suzanne wrote:I enjoyed this and the way that it read with some hesitation. It mimicked the mood and turmoil very well.
Liked the format style, too.

Suzanne

aww thanks suz...just a little tinkering around to be honest...glad it has worked though..

I like the revision very much. The feelings you have captured here are so recognizable. Really a great write.
Suzanne

Just thought i'd pop in to say im liking the finished article. Well done

~H