Tis me

[Mickpjb]

Tis me (Revised)

2 eyes that are sparkling blue,
1 nose that’s badly askew,
2 ears that appear slightly chewed,
1 mouth that’s perpetually rude.

2 arms that are gangly like twine,
2 legs that can’t dance in time,
1 heart that pumps thanks to red wine,
1 bottom to dispose of the grime.


Tis me

2 eyes that are sparkling blue,
1 nose that is unfortunately askew,
2 ears that appear slightly, quite chewed,
1 mouth that is perpetually rude.

2 arms that are gangly like twine,
2 legs that can almost dance in time,
1 heart that is healthy thanks to red wine,
1 bottom to dispose of the excess grime.

[David]

Very good, Mick. For fun, why not try a clerihew? Here's a famous one:

Sir Humphry Davy
Was not fond of gravy.
He lived in the odium
Of having discovered sodium.

Cheers

David

[Mickpjb]

David,

That looks like fun - I'll give that a go!

I'd like to try some nonsense poems, can you recommend any sites?

Many thanks

Mick

[David]

Sorry, not sure about nonsense sites, Mick. Still, if you start googling Lear and limericks and dongs with luminous noses you won't go far wrong.

Or you could try this one ... http://www.conservatives.com/

[Mickpjb]

David,

Excellent site, not sure I could write fiction on a par with the stuff on that site!

Mick

[tinetimbre]

i liked it, twas funny(ish)

i think you could do with a few changes to enhance the rythm though.

[ray miller]

Mick, some suggestions to improve the rhythm. Swap "unfortunately " for "badly". Omit "quite". Line 4 use "that's" rather than "that is".
"2 legs that can't dance in time". "1 heart that is pumping red wine" . get rid of "excess" .

[jms]

Mick,

Good stuff, thoroughly enjoyed! I was unsure about 'appear slightly, quite chewed' - as well as it being a bit of a mouthful, 'quite' felt somewhat redundant following 'slightly'.

Cheers,

Jon

[writedis]

I like this.

I feel lines six and eight could be tweaked to make it flow?

2 arms that are gangly like twine
2 legs that can mangle a dance to the time
1 heart that is healthy thanks to red wine
1 bottom to rid the wealth of the grime

Fun though!

[Mickpjb]

Guys,

As per usual thanks for reading and feedback!

I have had a little tweak and feel it flows a little easier now?

Mick

[Danté]

Mick

The revision reads a lot better, another fun write and a good opportunity to try something different.
I keep wondering what's coming next, you have some enjoyable lines in this.
Good to see almost everything found its way into the poem.

Thanks

Tim

[galaxy13]

Mick,

I enjoyed the imaginative description!!

Well done!

Galaxy