Epilogue

[ItsSuperDan]

Title is still in the works. First draft here and first poem posted.

Why does my life feel like part your epilogue?
The main chapters have been written,
the pages stained with tainted ink,
too late I arrived, to save you from the brink.

A stone thrown into the vast ocean,
the ripples will soon die away,
if that is the extent of my love and devotion,
its unclear why I stay.

A star in the sky, I shine true,
I shine through the darkness for you,
and I fight to become brighter,
but the light is lost upon you.

I am no more than this poem,
read by few, not by you,
and in this world of poets and lyricists,
its hard to know if these words truly exist.

[Mickpjb]

ItsSuperDan,

Welcome aboard and I really enjoyed your peom, some excellent lines but personally felt the last line did not give the poem the ending it deserves.

I am sure you will get really good advice on here!

And cool name also!

Mick

[Raisin]

Hi again This was quite sweet and enjoyable, I have a couple of suggestions if you don't mind.

Why does my life feel like part your epilogue?>Should this be "part of your epilogue"?
The main chapters have been written,
the pages stained with tainted ink,> I like "tainted ink"
too late I arrived, to save you from the brink.>I think it is hard to create effective rhymes so many resort to mono-syllabic words, which is fine but you have shown that you can do better in the next stanza

A stone thrown into the vast ocean,>here is what I mean, ocean still rhymes with devotion, but it sounds more original.
the ripples will soon die away,>"die away" could be stronger maybe?
if that is the extent of my love and devotion,
its unclear why I stay.>"it's" or "it is", just punctuation there.

A star in the sky, I shine true, >like the alliteration but maybe "shine true" is a bit of a cliche?
I shine through the darkness for you,
and I fight to become brighter,
but the light is lost upon you.>nice but could you lose the "you"? Maybe, "the light is lost beneath your splendour."

I am no more than this poem,>I like that
read by few, not by you,>I like the "read by few" but not so much "not by you", you already have a rhyme in this stanza so I reckon you could lose it.
and in this world of poets and lyricists,>like the rhyme here.
its hard to know if these words truly exist.

You have a lovely first post here, I think if you work on it a bit it will be even better. But don't feel that you have to listen to me These are only suggestions, you can keep anything you feel is ok.

Thanks for the read,
Raisin

[pitseleh]

hey dan,

raisins given a good opening account of herself for you there. you can expect more of the same here hopefully mate, good to have ya.

Have a good look through Raisins post. I'd say theres truth in what she mentions about some parts being cliche and the rhyming being a little forced in places. the final 2 lines come to mind. The sentiment is good, it just could be exucted without some of the superfluity. Its a fairly despondant emotion youre describing, the words you use to transmit that emotion are at times, mismatched. I think it could benefit in places by a less romanticly angled choice of words.


cheers
harrison

[ItsSuperDan]

hello,

thanks for the advice.
still kinda working out how to write poems, as im sure u can tell heh.
will get back with an updated version soon.

dan