Within me (revised)

[Suzanne]

(Revision II)

Within me
there is a desire to sing,
to dance to a primal beat,
to flee this flesh,
to fly untethered.

I will not stand
in these clay feet
and watch.

I will soar.

Come with me.
Catch me.




(Revision I)

Deep within me
there is a desire to sing,
a desire to dance to a primal beat,
a desire to flee this flesh
and fly untethered.

I will not stand
in these clay feet
and watch any longer.

I will fly.

Come with me.
Catch me.



______________

Deep within me
there is a desire to sing.

Deep within me
there is a desire to dance
to the primal beat of a drum.

Deep within me
there is a desire to break free
from the limits of this flesh
and fly untethered.

I will not stand
in these clay feet
and watch any longer.

I will fly.

Come with me.
Catch me.

[Lake]

suzanne ,

This is delightful.
As the lines increase from S1 to S3, the desire intensifies. And the ending reminds me of Maya Angelou' Still I Rise

I rise
I rise
I rise

Thanks for the read,

Lake

[galaxy13]

Suzanne,

I love this poem!

Something I guess I can identify with too..

Thanks,

Galaxy

[Danté]

Suzanne

You certainly are exploring some varied subjects and handling the inner thought aspects within your writng in a way that is pleasing to read. It is always good to see inspired writing, as it seems to me to have an un-teathered quality about it. The use of punctuation kept to a minimum and well chosen line breaks are also working well here.

Another enjoyable poem

many thanks

Danté

[jms]

Suzanne,

Yes, this is good - you can almost feel the surge of emotion.

A couple of small negatives - I didn't like 'to the primal beat of a drum', and wondered whether it could be cut altogether? Similarly, I'm unsure about having both lines 3+4 of S3, as there seems to be a bit of redundancy there. I also harbour some doubts about 'and watch any longer', but think you probably need it.

Cheers,

Jon

[Suzanne]

Thank you for the replies. As a newbie, I am always surprised at what people say. I can not guess if the response will be good or bad. I am blind.

The comments are very helpful because not only can they help tweak the poem, they also give me a clue about where my voice is... or what it is even. And where, in me, my voice is. Poetry does not come from my logical mind, where is comes from is still quite vague due to inexperience.

This poem was definitely written in a burst of emotion and was a complete thought when it hit the paper.
Because it was so personal, I was not sure how it would be understood.

Hearing the feedback encourages me to go deeper and look for what else I might have in me.
I am sure that it is the same for all of you, too. It is a great thing to share and be acknowledged, a gift.

Sincerely,
Suzanne

[barrie]

I'm going to live up to my reputation and say that you could pare it down. I don't think you need to repeat Deep within me/there is a desire. In fact I don't think you need to even say deep within me - You could say that that's inferred. For what it's worth, here's my cut down version.

There is a desire to sing,
a desire to dance
to some primal beat:

a desire to flee
this flesh
and fly untethered.

Come with me.

Catch me. - A bit drastic, eh? Just a thought.

Barrie

[Suzanne]

hehe....
or, let's just scale it down to only the verbs?

Sing. Dance. Flee. Fly.

Come.


I can think about cutting some of it out but that may be too much.
Suzanne

[arunansu]

I loved both your original and Barrie's edited version. What srtikes me is the ending. It leaves an impact.
Great write.
Cheers.

[pitseleh]

Hi suzanne,

I have a few qualms. I think the "deep within me, there is a desire" is over-used. maybe you could think of a way of using a comma somewhere and get rid of the excess.


Deep within me
there is a desire to break free
from the limits of this flesh
and fly untethered.


jms mentioned this stanza, and i am a little unsure about this. just looks a little clumsy/repetetive. could do with a little more precision. in general i think thats all this needs. a little tightening.

thanks
Harrison

[Suzanne]

Tightening. That is a good word and a welcome critique. I feel that is something I could learn to do.
I have changed it a bit, does it help the read? Does it retain the impact? I need to keep one deep within me.

It is quite a defiant stand and I hope that is still there.
Suzanne

[jms]

That's better. I must, though, admit that I like Barrie's rather drastic rewrite...

Jon

[Suzanne]

I will soar.


... thought I may get higher if I cut out the extra weight.
Edited again,
Suzanne