Poetry Forum

definately work in progress


Rose


Rose so appealing, your colours reside
So deep in me you leave marks inside
Seduced, wretched and raw

So sweet I am undone
Your whisper so lazy like the evening sun
Spellbound and in awe

From my windows I gazed,
I forgot my Fathers Law
Left my door ajar, and you crept in.

Your veil wise, you covered my eyes
your pull so great, you plot my demise.

Wicked cravings you left in me Rose!

LaMOi

You have a lot of rhymes in this poem, the internal ones are working better than the end of line ones.
They are not bad or anything like that, just a little prominent in a small peice.
The capitalisation at line beginnings is a little distracting, personally I´d work at making this read a little smoother as it is in places, a little like a shopping list
It´s to me, a worthwhile poem to polish up, I enjoyed the read and some of the sharp phrasing.

See what you think, hopefully you will get some more input, so you have a blend of ideas to ponder.

kind regards

Danté

It's a very light, yet haunting piece.

Your third stanza confused me slightly about your structure. It seems that you were rhyming the first two lines with each other and the last line with the last line of the previous stanza. So I was surprised when the lush line "I forgot my Fathers Law" didn't appear as the third line of the stanza to rhyme with ""raw" and "awe"

Maybe the third stanza would better hold up your structure if it read:

"From my windows I gazed for you,
Left my door ajar, and you crept through.
I forgot my Fathers Law"

I don't know whether or not this helps at all, but it's more a structural observation than an artistic one.

This poem is very passionate and dark. I really like the atmosphere it creates!

Also the line I mentioned above "I forgot my Fathers Law", I love! It has a really nice sound quality when you read it aloud! Also I don't know if you intended to or not, but you created a lovely ambiguous sense of "father" which gives hints to a second meaning of Christianity (God the father) , and breaking the laws of religion in the context that is implied within the poem.

Fascinating word choice!

All the best, Phil

Thanks guys, really good feedback... Im gonna re-jig this... and shave some rhyme off.

ps, 'My Fathers Law' could be many things here, but for me personally, its in reference to Gods law. Im a christian.