Poetry Forum

A surface that glistens, in the mid-day sun;
A thousand blue sapphires, floating as one.
A fresh salty tang, hangs in the air;
On an inbound sea breeze, that ruffles through hair.

Rolling swell surges, in rhythmic pattern;
A small shoal of fish, causes eddies to happen.
Towering breakers, flecked with foam;
Crash on the shore, on our native stone.

Wild horses ride high, with a battle-cry roar;
Reluctantly followed, by hasty withdraw.
At the tall cliffs, great waves are resounding;
Giant stone walls, crumble from pounding.

Out in the open, the horizon is bare;
Though never visited, my mind resides there.

It certainly is no crime to rhyme........

I think this is sweet, yet very familiar in your choice of metaphors.
The closing lines are nicely done..........

The wild horses is very used, in my opinion..........it is an enjoyable visual poem....

thanx

Dalena x

There's something in what Dalena says, Alucinary. (Now that's an interesting monicker.)

The sirens of rhyme, those sweet intoxicating ladies, have enticed you to use words that don't "go", simply for the rhyme, e.g. withdraw. We would naturally - and correctly - say "withdrawal", but that doesn't rhyme (or scan).

Also, your lines are very end-stopped - you should discover the joy of enjambment. This effect is emphasised by the fact that your lines are all - and I mean all - interrupted by a breathing space that you denote with a comma. As a result, rather than a smoothly sinuous sonnet of 14 lines, you have what is in effect 28 bits.

However ... discounting all those things, I did enjoy the poem. You painted a picture very effectively, and I liked it.

Nice to see you here. Would you like to introduce yourself at a bit more length? If so, go to Hello, Good Evening and Welcome, and we can get better acquainted.

Cheers

David

Welcome Alucinary

Some keen observations from David. I did like happen and pattern as rhymes - much less obvious than some others.

Pop over and introduce yourself and keep posting.

elph

Lovely rhyming structure!

It reminds me of the riddles in "The Hobbit"

Nice imagery too!

Welcome wishes
Phil

Hi,

I enjoyed this, there is a nice rhyme scheme and you have used some lovely language. I think like David, discover what enjambment can do, it really affects how you read a poem. Like Phil said, it is very similar to the riddles in The Hobbit, fun bits of desciptive writing that are easy to take in and enjoy

Only one nits to pick, "ruffles through hair", this is used so many times it is unreal, not a serious problem though, "ruffles" is just a good word to describe the actions of the wind. Could something else be put in its place just to avoid the cliche?

Apart from that I liked this a lot, the ending is great and leaves it in a nice place.

Thanks,
Raisin

Hi,

Thanks everyone for your comments, I think the key things I have observed with the responces to this poem are:

1. Not to over use / abuse cliches - now I knew they were cliches when I wrote them, however general concensus seems to be to steer clear of using them entirely
2. Not to force rhymes - as much as possible I had attempted this here, however in the end there were some forced lines and I didn't want them to not rhyme so as not to break the pattern...
3. That the punctuation used mightn't have had quite the effect I intended, in this poem where I have broken the lines mid-way with a comma this barely signifies a pause when I read it to myself, it would possibly have been more appropriate to leave out the comma but have the words after where it in italics instead - to me when I reach the comma I have a 1/4 second pause and then continue in a slightly different tone until the next line. The semi-colons I think I used correctly but could someone please verify - I intend a pause the same as a regular comma, however on the following line I am developing what was described in the line with the semi-colon...
4. That a shoal is a singular (plural) noun and causes eddies as opposed to cause (lol!)
5. That people particularly liked the concluding lines
6. That the imagery as a whole was good and well received

If I have got this summary wrong then please feel free to correct me! As for the poem, I am not sure what is best, do I try and rework a few bits and peices, or leave it in its orriginal form and bear peoples remarks in mind for future writings? I suppose the logical answer would be to try and better the poem, however this seems somewhat artificial in a way though I'm not sure I expect anyone else to understand that logic!

Hey, you seem to have taken in every suggestion which is great. There aren't really any strict rules on poems, just advice on how people think you can improve. Avoiding cliches completely is very hard, there will normally be one that pops up in a while that you can't avoid, so don't worry too much

Lovely that you took down so many points, keep posting,
Raisin

Really enjoyed your poem, imagined my self walking along the shore in an idyllic, tranquil setting! Hmmm Paradise!
I'd love to live beside the sea!

One of the problems in using rhyme is that it often forces one to use a word, add a useless line and dominates what one has to say. Although most beginners are attracted to rhyme it is one of the hardest things to use rhyme fitting perfectly to the meaning. Rhyme is often a Procrustean bed where meaning is forced. I know your problem too well. Free verse is often simply prose broken into lines. Try using a four or three stress line and leave rhyme for amusing or lyrical verse.
Apart from these quibbles, I liked the poem. Do keep writing It is good for the soul.
Petronius.

Sorry about the one's. I really don't like them but I hate typing more. I have never graduated from the duo-digital school.

Cheers guys I aprieciate your comments and there was me thinking that this poem was hiding in the dark somewhere gathering dust! I hope you also enjoy some of my later poems and fingers crossed you will be able to see some sort of progression although to be entirely honest it may be very hard to spot as I have done a bit of experimenting too in order to see what works and what doesn't so there are no doubt some that are worse there as well as better...

Do keep writing It is good for the soul.

- a very apt comment given how I have once again managed to stray from the forum and my writing, it is strange how something I enjoy can be so easily forgotten in the busyness of life...