Poetry Forum

desolate thoughts circle this barren land
a billion lonely souls walk hand in hand
splintered trepidation, the reaper grows near
Echoes fall silent ,
cries of help disappear

Distorted screams storm his swirling senses,
as the stench of death infiltrates his bloody nostrils.
His eyes flicker open, then close.
Listening to the cries of mutilated men,
ending with his mothers arms around him,
keeping him safe.. he smiles.

Youth exudes this rifle baring boy,
who's nature was to play, but now to destroy.
A moment to think of the life left behind,
is a second to late as the next waits in line.

Cattle for the slaughter or deaths bitter cause.
blood rains from the heavens in a moments pause.

Poppies for young men. The price of a pound.
a million naive minds circle a billion lonely souls on forgotten ground

hope cascades, inflamed with rage,
remembering of age the time where death plagued.
Lesson to be learned,
so we thought,
yet we still drown our youths in the blood. Distraught,
The onslaught of war.

Before we had a cause, now religion is the score.
Fighting for beliefs, fighting for peace,
forgetting the battles of our deceased.
Dominated with hate, the world decays,
fragile wounds of our yesterdays.

Youth cannot come to rescue this life. Can memories survive???

gathered round ashes scattered then banished.
to soil once fought on by timeless men.
The pendulum strikes, time passes by,
left with a vision of hallowed skies.
Death points its finger. Seconds linger.
Even the none believers say a private word to those above.

Down on your knee's , "god please. Don't let this be. I've shaken the shackles from my feet. Please let me roam your kingdom free"

My time has come, to lay down this gun,
to surrender ones soul and accept fate.
The cycle of life fails to imply the lessons of which people must live by.

Learn to love, Love to live. war brings terror. no room for error. sorrow beckons, the world awakens, will this ever end?

Welcome to PG, Dave. Just take a bit of time to read through the forum rules and requirements. You're expected to comment on at least two other poems for each one you post. That's how the forum works - give and take: the more you give out, the more feedback you'll receive.

cheers

Barrie

ok barrie, sorry about that! I can be a little dense at times.

Thanks for the heads up!

Well done Accolade in getting your crits done.

Your strength of feeling comes through in this poem - I think there are three things to look at it to move forward

Cut it down to the essential images that deliver your feeling and your message
Decide if you want a structure and rhyme or free verse. I think its a bit mixed right now. IMO its best to start writing free verse, exploring words and images without the strictures of rhyme.
Search for fresh words and images - e.g cattle to the slaughter and lonely soles are well used.

Just a few thougths for you.

elph

Hey there welcome to Poet's graves!

This poem expressed very well the ideas you putting out there!

I loved the line:

"Fragile wounds of our yesterdays"

It had a really nice sound quality, and meant a lot!

I have a few little nips to do with your structure. Mainly, it looked like you wanted a structure and it seems the potential for a really interesting structure is there. However maybe it would be a bit more effective if you had a bit more consistency in the structure of each stanza, or even have no set stanzas at all and just be a bit more generous with your line placement, as some of your lines read very long and others rather short.

Also your rhyming pattern comes and goes, so the focus in the poem becomes diverted from the shifts in the pattern. Again a more deliberate approach could help or alternatively you could just do away with the rhyming altogether.

There were a few grammatical mistakes like the apostrophe in "Knee's" where there ought not to have been one but thats easily fixed.

Lastly there were a couple of punctuation related points here:

S2 L6 - keeping him safe.. he smiles.
- if you really want the ellipses you have to make sure it's three full stops otherwise it's a bit confusing

and

S8 - Youth cannot come to rescue this life. Can memories survive???
- Three question marks may be slightly excessive and it kind of does away with the subtlety of the fine point you were making.

I'm sorry if you think I'm meddling but I had a little play about with it:

_______

Desolate thoughts circle this barren waste
A splintered trepidation, the reaper grows near
A billion lonely souls walk hand in hand
Echoes fall silent; cries of help vanish

Distorted screams storm his swirling senses
As the stench of death
Infiltrates his bloody nostrils
His eyes flicker open, then close

Listening to the cries of the mutilated men
Ending with his mothers arms around him
Keeping him safe
He smiles

Youth exudes this rifle baring son
His nature to play, but now to destroy
A moment to think of the life left behind
A second to late as the next awaits

Cattle for the slaughter or deaths bitter cause
Blood rains from the heavens in a moment’s rest

Poppies for young men, the price of a pound
A million naive minds circle
A billion lonely souls
On forgotten ground

Hope cascades, inflamed with rage
Remembering of days
The time where death haunted
A lesson to be learned

So we believed
Yet we still drown our youths
In the blood, distraught
The onslaught of war

Before we had a cause
Now religion is the score
Fighting for beliefs, fighting for peace
Forgetting the battles of our departed

Dominated with hate, the world decays
Fragile wounds of our yesterdays

Youth cannot come to rescue this life
Can memories survive?
Gathered round ashes scattered then banished
To soil once fought on by timeless men

The pendulum strikes, time passes
Left with a vision of hallowed skies
Death points a hand as seconds linger
Even none believers say a private word to those above

Down on your knees
"Please God, don't let this be
I've shaken the shackles from my feet
Please let me roam free, Your kingdom "

My time has come, to lay down my arms,
To surrender ones soul and accept fate
The cycle of life fails to relinquish the lessons
Of which a world must live by

Learn to love; Love to live
Sorrow beckons and earth awakens

________


I've altered some of your words to do away with the rhyming, and arranged it into a structure stanza/line wise. There are now 4 lines in each stanza, and every fifth stanza has two lines! I also tidied up the punctuation a bit.

Sorry if you think I'm being overbearing, but it's a good way of spreading opinions. You don't have to take this advice if it doesn't suit you so don't worry if our views differ.

Apologies if this a bit much for one post! I don't mean to be too critical! Feel free to ignore anything I say as all advice here is given in the best of heart!

Over all I thought the ideas expressed were really genuine and they came across very well! I look forward to reading more from you soon!

All the best
Phil