Silence -edit

[Suzanne]

I will search for you
in the silence of the trees
and the falling of the snow
You will not be there.


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original

You will search for me
in the silence of the trees
and the falling of the snow
I will not be there.

[Alucinary]

I am not well aquainted with this type of poem, so ignore me if my comment is infact poetic sin....

In terms of abruptness this poem seems to be missing a line between the third and fourth - maybe even a repition of the first line?

I suspect however that this type of poem is supposed to only have four lines and hence my suggestion would be ridiculous! Abrupt closure beside, this is an efective and simple way of capturing the subject

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Ooh this is a new form for me too! It's like the first two lines of a haiku poem against a mirror!

I really liked the soft imagery!

Is this a traditional form or was it one you engineered?

[Accolade]

Yeah , must admit this does seem a little short and sweet. But it does leave the mind wondering....

[Suzanne]

Alucinary,
Hello to you! Thanks for replying. I loosely follow a haiku format but do not really stick to it. When I wrote this, last winter, I thought it was perfect for what I wanted to say. I like the abruptness of it. I do understand what you are saying about it missing a part but I mostly write free form and not worry about the rules. I am very new to poetry.

Philip and Accolade,
Thank you for your reply. I like the idea of a mind wondering and soft images, so , hey, I a thinking I hit my mark.
Thanks again,
Suzanne

[Elphin]

Suzanne

I find myself thinking why?

Now thats either a good thing or a bad thing. What I mean is forcing a reader to ask questions, provoking them is good but its not so good if the question is "whats that about?"

I like short form - every word working hard and delivering. Im just not sure there is a lot being delivered here. I may be being a little harsh but its because I like your other stuff and Im not convinced this is really up there with it.

Sorry

elph

[Suzanne]

" I may be being a little harsh but its because I like your other stuff and Im not convinced this is really up there with it."

Oh Elph! What a great review! thanks.
This poem was really written with the "you" being "I" so I will edit that to see if it makes a difference to the reader.
It was written for a specific event so it may not have the same open feeling of other things I have written.

I will think about making any changes to lighten the "what was that about" feeling, it may just take a word or two, if I am clever enough.

thanks for stopping by!
Suzanne