An hour in the life of (revised version)

[Raisin]

Revised

She leans gently
against the smooth surface
of a shining kitchen unit,
polished until the colour fades.

Wiping the salt tracks
from her brow, she frowns in to
a spoon, at the scratches scored
that permeate her reflection.

Grasping a sharpened utensil,
she carves, tenderly, carefully,
in to soft flesh, her hands
concentrated, accurate.

Laughter distracts the hands,
she lowers them to find
small people at her feet,
climbing her laddered tights.

Bathtime, she is soaked with
soap, shampoo that eases
the tangles from baby hair.
One more minute of fun.

She curls up on the worn sofa,
tunes in to a favoured TV show
with a glass of something strong,
nerves shattered.

Intent gaze on the screen,
at medical personas dipping
in to human insides, she slips
in to the chocolate box.

Absent mindedly pushing
another in to her mouth,
her mind switches off,
imagining the morphine

on her side of the screen.


Original

She leans gently,
against the smooth surface
of another kitchen unit
polished until the colour fades.

Wiping the salt tracks
from her brow, she frowns in to
a spoon, at the lines carved in her
reflection.

Grasping a sharpened utensil,
she carves, tenderly, carefully,
in to soft flesh, her hands
become covered.

Sliding the pepper to one side,
she selects a new knife,
remembering her lessons
in food hygeine.

Laughter distracts the hand,
she lowers it to find
small people at her feet,
climbing her laddered tights.

Prepared, planned and placed
on the wooden table in front of
expectant diners, wanting quality
every day of the week.

Bathtime, she is soaked with
soap, shampoo that eases
the tangles from baby hair.
One more minute of fun.

She curls up on the new sofa,
tunes in to a favoured TV show
with a glass of something strong,
just to relax of course.

Intent gaze on the screen,
at medical personas dipping
in to human insides, she dips
in to the chocolate box.

Absent mindedly pushing
another in to her mouth,
her mind switches off.
She'll wake up, at 10:30am.

[ray miller]

I think this is good, was thinking it's very good until "her hands become covered" at which point it starts to become less specific and slide. It remains good up to verse 6, after that I'm not sure that what you're adding is necessary. First two verses are excellent, in my opinion, though I'd put a comma after unit rather than gently.

[Danté]

Raisin

Hope you had a good festive time.
It seems to me that you started the poem without enough of an idea of exactly where to take this, and the route that you could follow to actually arrive there. In places it almost seems like the verses were written in the hope that some guidance would occur, simply by the fact that the new verse had been created. This has an effect on the reader, and makes it become a little confusing.

Also:

"of another kitchen unit"

Why another? I think it's a wasted opportunity to say something more interesting.

"a spoon, at the lines carved in her
reflection."

Perhaps something like,

a spoon, at the scratches scored
that permeate her reflection.

The scratches are actually in the reflective surface, and not the light which is the reflection.

"Intent gaze on the screen,
at medical personas dipping
in to human insides, she dips
in to the chocolate box."

This is actually a well thought out verse, comparing the two actions.
Personally I would have structured the verse so one of the dipping actions could have been
a hand slipped, just to avoid the double dip.
But as I have already said, by this time the reader is starting to want some interest on the
invested time taken to read the earlier verses. The direction is getting a little confused, hence
the greatest lines immaginable, are only as good as the way they guide the reader.

"Absent mindedly pushing
another in to her mouth,
her mind switches off.
She'll wake up, at 10:30am."

Why 10:30 am, is it significant?
Again this adds a little confusion, as it is so sharply stated, the reader is hunting for relevance.

Well that's my take anyway, and to summarise, I think the real issue is one of leading the reader,
rather than the writer being led by the verses as they randomly spring to mind.
The ornaments can be polished afterwards if required.

I hope that's of some use.

thanks

Danté

[karalma]

I liked this but was left feeling confused. I was uncertain that S4 or 6 added anything. Why 10.30am? I had the impression of a young mother and I don't know any young mothers lucky enough to sleep until 10.30. I thought the first 3 verses were great.

[Raisin]

Hi everyone

Ok, so I see this is rather confusing to all, you are all right on the fact that I wasn't sure where I was going with this, it's supposed to be a typical hour for a mother, you've all given great suggestions so I'll start using them in a revision.

Ray, "her hands become covered" is a rubbish line I don't like it at all, thanks for pointing it out. I was happy with the first two verses, I'll change the comma position, and work on the other bits.

Dante, I had a good start to the year thanks, hope you did as well. I did start writing this, as said before, and like you pointed out, without really knowing where I was going with it, I thought I'd head through the actions the persona might follow in a typical hour, but ended up going off on another random direction. Useful comments, thanks

Karalma, thanks as well, 10:30am is a random time, kind of symbolic of when the brain switches on, not the actual time you would wake up, but I know that's not at all clear, so I'll get rid of it.

Thanks again all,
Raisin

[Leigh]

I really don't see why everything must be clear and 'relevant'. In my view as soon as something is writen it is relevant because it is open to interpretation; even if that interpretation is one of confusion, I mean does life not confuse, is it not a valid function of art represent that confusion. I think that perhaps people are so confounded by life that they don't like to see that same aspect reflected in art, like a wart in a portrait, I say warts 'n' all. Cromwell was an idiot, probably.