She invited us to dinner
where the table was set
with pitchforks and chainsaws.
And we were expected to sit on
electric chairs.
The fruit bowls is filled with
apples and grenades,
bananas and grapes.
An old Persian cat lurked behind the drapes.
The light bulb tried to shine
from behind a dead skin lamp.
Her opening sentence jack-knifed
and screeched while I searched for exits and
air
Dinner
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John G
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Last edited by John G on Mon Jan 12, 2009 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
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mesmie
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Hiya John
On the first couple of reads I struggled ..it came over as disjointed (to my ear) but the more I read the more I like..
You know, it sounds like the first meet with a prospective mother in law...brrrrrrrrrr scary!!
think you need to dis the s in bowls or change was to were..
On the first couple of reads I struggled ..it came over as disjointed (to my ear) but the more I read the more I like..
You know, it sounds like the first meet with a prospective mother in law...brrrrrrrrrr scary!!
think you need to dis the s in bowls or change was to were..
Agree with Jon, these "perspective mother-in laws"! Strange mix of a Gestapho chief and an over-indulging parent... little doubt, they invite you sweetly, only to pelt you with bricks and stones. Can relate!
Cheers.
Cheers.
John
I liked the srtong metaphorical nature of the poem. The first line of S2 jarrs a little with the use
of "was" in relation to the "bowls". I think you have a great opportunity here to share her character/demeanour/ in some way that with the possible addition of another verse, which could really bring this piece to life. I thought the use of grenades, to be very well chosen, it brought grenadier oranges to mind and worked very well in seamlessly crossing over from the actual fruits to a more menacing object. The rhymes are well placed and work in the background adding more when read out loud, as I do with every poem that I read. An enjoyable piece, and hopefully there is also something of value in my comments for you to ponder.
all the best
Tim
I liked the srtong metaphorical nature of the poem. The first line of S2 jarrs a little with the use
of "was" in relation to the "bowls". I think you have a great opportunity here to share her character/demeanour/ in some way that with the possible addition of another verse, which could really bring this piece to life. I thought the use of grenades, to be very well chosen, it brought grenadier oranges to mind and worked very well in seamlessly crossing over from the actual fruits to a more menacing object. The rhymes are well placed and work in the background adding more when read out loud, as I do with every poem that I read. An enjoyable piece, and hopefully there is also something of value in my comments for you to ponder.
all the best
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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Suzanne
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John,
This was marvelous. I am not going there for dinner!
It has been a long time since I have had someone powerful like that in my cirlce.
You have rekindled the nudging I have had to write about my father-in-law. So, it was inspriational as well as entertaining.
The diveristy in the nouns is rich and clever. I really enjoyed it and could feel myself wanting to find the exits as the tension built!
Suzanne
This was marvelous. I am not going there for dinner!
It has been a long time since I have had someone powerful like that in my cirlce.
You have rekindled the nudging I have had to write about my father-in-law. So, it was inspriational as well as entertaining.
The diveristy in the nouns is rich and clever. I really enjoyed it and could feel myself wanting to find the exits as the tension built!
Suzanne
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John G
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Thanks the positive comments!
It was based loosely on Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where one of the pesky meddling teenagers ends up sitting at the table with Leatherfaces family and they wheel their decrepit dad in.
However, it can be about the first meeting with you mother-in-law as suggested.
Tim, I agree with the need for an extra verse about the lady in question – watch this space!!
It was based loosely on Texas Chainsaw Massacre, where one of the pesky meddling teenagers ends up sitting at the table with Leatherfaces family and they wheel their decrepit dad in.
However, it can be about the first meeting with you mother-in-law as suggested.
Tim, I agree with the need for an extra verse about the lady in question – watch this space!!
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.