Quirks- edit

[Suzanne]

Quirks

I've always talked
too much, listening to her
expose herself I knew
she was going to hurt later
but there was no stopping me,
I was determined to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.


__________________
I've always
talked too much,
listening to her
expose herself
I knew she
was going to
hurt later but
there was
no stopping me,
I was determined
to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.

[Gardenhead]

I really liked this.

In some ways I like how the structure works; narrow designs often offer up a surprise or two, but I am known far and wide for my distrust of them.
I especially liked 'listening to her / expose herself' and 'from the inside out / and that meant disclosure'. An interesting couple of lines, and an ending which eloquently and succinctly closes the poem. I enjoyed reading it over and over =]

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Thats so Weird Suzanne! I just wrote a poem with this exact type of structure!!

There's something so addictively primal and instinctual about writing in this format that lets you get out your ideas in a really no-frills no-nonsense kind of manner. It's really liberating.

That considered it shows how well you did in pick a form to suit your subject matter, which I was taking to entail a darker or stronger side of one's personality surfacing which is mirrored in this most natural type of word flow.

Having said that however, I still think it retains the Suzanne seal of refinement throughout, so it really is a remarkable thing.

Nice work! I'm so thrilled you wrote a poem in this style, but also a little spooked that we both wrote one in such a close window! Great minds and all that!

All the best
Phil

[Elphin]

Suzanne

Very instinctively written and I think that helps the immediacy of this piece.

I have to disagree on structure though - endings like to/but/was are weak ones. I am no expert on enjambment but someone once observed that each line should contain a thought and I quite like that idea as a base. Here's my thoughts

I've always talked
too much, listening to her
expose herself I knew
she was going to hurt later
but there was no stopping me,
I was determined to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.

Oh and I've always talked too much is the first line of a Joni Mitchell song but I wish I could remember which one.

elph

[arunansu]

Dear Suzanne,
I liked the piece. I'm with Elphin regarding the line breaks. Enjoyed.

[karalma]

I really enjoyed this Suzanne. For me it had sadness, determination and hope. Great ingredients in my mind.

[ray miller]

This is good, Suzanne. If you changed "expose herself" for self-exposure you'd have a distant rhyme with disclosure. If you wanted it.

[BenJohnson]

For me, the only problem would be line breaks, not sure I read this smoothly with your's or Elph's, but ignoring those I wouldn't change a word, very nicely written.

I was determined
to change
into something
from the inside out
and that meant disclosure.

A wonderful ending.

[El Wow!]

very nice suzanne...and did you change?
El

[Suzanne]

Thanks for all of this marvelous feedback!
It has been a good learning experience for me. I do not think about structure when I chop my poems into lines, I think about the way that I would naturally pause if I were saying it a loud. .. I chop the lines by my internal ear, lol , which is rather random and untrained!

I am new to poetry and don't know the loose rules one could follow, I appreciate the tips and will educate myself enough to know if I want to bend them and when... that is always a good thing.

I will look and rethink the lines. Thanks again all for the encouragment. It is really appreciated.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Suzanne]

Hello-
I have thought about the sturucture of this and have changed as Elph has suggested. I think that it makes a subtle difference in the read but adds to the overall package. I want to thank everyone who has thrown in tips and ideas about this. It has been very insíghtful.
Warmly,
Suzanne