Sundarban Tanka

[arunansu]

Edited:-

sun slips behind
mangrove community,
our ferry boat
tastes salty waters -
green sea turtle on my lap

Original:-
sun slips behind
mangrove community,
on my lap
a green sea turtle -
ferry tastes salty waters


Sundarban : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sundarbans

[karalma]

Hi

I loved the first four lines. The imagery made me think of a relaxing, exotic holiday. However, I didn't really udnerstand the last line - it changed the feel somehow. Really enjoyed though. thanks

[arunansu]

Thanks Karalma. I have edited.

[BenJohnson]

I like the rewrite, the ferry tasting the waters is a great line, brings to mind images of lapping water against the bows of the boat. Great images.

[Danté]

Aru,

Yes, the re-write is a definite improvement.
Very well put together images that deliver enough to fill the mind with an entire landscape.
And there is something very endearing about a green turtle on one's lap, I hope it was not the snapping
variety.

all the best

Danté

[El Wow!]

blimey a green sea turtle on your lap, sounds thrilling
El