Captivity (Revised)

[karalma]

Captivity (Revised)

A wild, white stallion reared in protest
spirit and vitality whistling like wind
as he challenged captivity.

Incarcerated he continued to fight
strength and stamina shone beneath his beating coat
magnificence and majesty still reigned.

As months passed and nightmares
of prowling predators no longer prevailed
he began to appreciate a different way of life.

One day an open gate offered longed for freeedom
the wild, white stallion lay down and dozed.
He dreamt of running free, over tors and torrents
wherever his spirit roamed.


Captivity (Original)

A wild, white stallion reared in protest
spirit and vitality whistling like wind
as he challenged captivity.

Incarcerated he continued to fight
strength and stamina cannot be beaten
magnificence and majesty will reign.

As months passed and nightmares
of prowling predators no longer prevailed
he began to appreciate a different way of life.

One day an open gate offered freedom longed for
the wild, white stallion lay down and dozed.
He dreamt of running free, over tors and torrents
wherever his spirit roamed.

[BenJohnson]

You continue to amaze me with your new pieces this is very strong, the images are great, it reminds me of something I wrote years ago, except I had birds in a cage, the image was rather bland compared to the spirit of your stallion. The last section doesn't feel quite right to me, the word order in the first line feels wrong, I would expect to read

One day an open gate offered longed for freedom

I like the subtle conection of sound between dozed and roamed though. I think with a little trimming or tightening of the language in the last section you have a very beautiful piece here.

[Danté]

Karalma

I also like this. You have some good ideas that you have used well here.
I thought that line 2 S2 was a bit telly, and stood out in the context of the other lines.
Perhaps you need to think a little more about this stanza, and possibly say that, strength and stamina could not be beaten. And rework the remainder of that stanza so it blends into the rest of the piece without reading like a detached statement.
This is a good read, I think a little polishing would make this a really good poem.

all the best

Danté

[karalma]

Thanks for the advice. I've tried revising it. Hope it's an improvement.

[Danté]

Yes,

I think that´s better, personally I would drop shone, as you have an emphasis on strength here
which might well shine, but is not easily seen when it´s covered by a coat. To phrase it better
would be space consuming, and you don´t have the space and can afford to let it go.
What do you think, it´s your poem, I think it reads pretty well now, but only you will decide
when it is finished.

Thanks

Danté