Poetry Forum

haven't posted one for a while... here goes

I am a mourning person.

Isn’t there something about the day as it
Shatters again, slowly
Like the crazing of an ancient teacup

Fragile and stately,
Sturdy as the Word,
Tinkling
Like shards of expectation?

Jingling, through the chimney
To rewrap the dead strewn under the tree?

Fast broken, first breaking --
Still, promise churns in the wake of morning.

Hi Catastrotopia

I loved this - particualrly the ambiguity in the words. I wasn't sure of S4 - it didn't have a very clear image for me but loved S5.

thanks

Hi. I like this. The first line came across to me as rather a tired pun and I don't think it adds to the poem.

But then you do great things with the funny old idea of day "breaking". And I love the slightly offbeat inflection: "crazing" and "rewrap".

This poem is a real curio; very entertaining (but lose line 1).

I really liked this! It really pushed all my buttons!
I especially liked the last line

"Still, promise churns in the wake of morning."

Which I found eerily up beat, which came in stark contrast to the rest of your bleak yet soulful imagery!

Your punctuation was flawlessly placed too, and I loved the word choice for "stately"

A small point that makes very little difference but, I was just wondering if you would the phonics of:

"Fast broken, first breaking"

in contrast to

"Fast broken, first to break"

And what you think about them?

Loved this poem! Can't wait to read more!

All the best
Phil

just wanted to echo the previous comments, especially regarding L1

really, really enjoyed this!

I liked this, and like others have pondered the first line.
It seems that you want to tie the dead to the N, in a tangible way.
That is really the only element of the poem that does so, and it does alter the poem a fair bit.
I deliberately read the poem with the first line obscured for my initial reading of the piece.
The line breaks and images are tight and deliver well, personally I like it with or without that
first line, and can't really say with any certainty which is best now that I know its content.

thanks

Danté

Danté wrote:It seems that you want to tie the dead to the N, in a tangible way.

thanks for weighing in, dante, but i must confess i didn't understand your comment. (sorry, a little slow...) i'd love to spill where this poem was coming from, but it's always fun to see how it's being read first...

-c

I was meaning "I am a mourning person" "the dead strewn under the tree"
There is an implied link between the two lines, mourning and dead are often associated with each other.
Hope that is clearer, N = narator.

thanks

Danté

have just re-read .. this reminds me a little of a few poems about autumn/fall that i've written ... i like the use of mo/u/rning and wake; life cycles are innately hopeful aren't they? *smiles

i think the only nit growing on me would be S2 and the repeated use of "like" ... i'd prefer that/them to go - but that's just my taste so don't mind me, especially as it would probably entail a rewrite of that section ... *grin

hi k-j

Really enjoyed the whole...good work


mes