Giving (Revised)

[karalma]

Giving (Revised)

When rays of energy and strength
are bestowed
saplings and students grow upward
in praise and reverence.
Finches and followers fly toward
In honour and admiration.
Life and evolution are sustained
until the moon takes hold.


Giving (original)

The sun bestows rays of energy and strength
Sustaining growth and life
Snapdragons and saplings grow upward
In praise and reverence.

The teacher provides rays of knowledge and insight
Nourishing development and growth
Students sap energy whilst looking up
In honour and admiration.

The leader presents rays of wisdom and guidance
Nurturing talent and skill
Followers incline with gratitude and respect
Until the moon takes hold.

[PhilipCFJohnson]

There's something in that final line isn't there?
Is it too good to be true? Are you waiting for something to go wrong?
It seems so.

Either way it came out well. That device in particular was very well used.

However there wasn't much to the first two stanzas besides from setting up the ending of third.

Possibly you could give one of the first to the heave-ho?

Feel free to ignore me by the way.

All the best
Phil

[Shell]

i think that last line may be the gem-core of this and wonder if the intuition/dark side could be developed more? this might be done by compressing S2 & 3 ... all that sunny respect and gracious bestowing might be slightly overdone, but then, i'm a moon-feeder so i would say that ... *grin

[Suzanne]

Oh! how very intersting, that last line.
Everything seems so nice and tidy, and then that old devil moon shows up.

I agree with Phil and think that the last section is strong enough to stand alone,
Suzanne

[Elphin]

Hi k

The last couple of lines are the essential idea of this poem.

If you dont mind some constructive criticism I thought the rest of the poem was too tell-y, partic the first lines of each verse. I wonder if you could find descriptons and metaphors to relay these ideas in a "show" not "tell" way.

You have a good idea - now its the search for the words. Have a go - get the polish out.

elph

[arunansu]

Well written. But if I were you, I would have considered some serious trimming:

Snapdragons and saplings grow upward
Students sap energy whilst looking up
Nurturing talent and skill
Followers incline with gratitude and respect
Until the moon takes hold.

Hope this helps.

[David]

I like the stately progress of

Snapdragons and saplings grow upward
In praise and reverence.

Cheers

David

[karalma]

Thanks for all the advice. I've had a go at a revision and would be glad of amy more feedback.

thanks

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Much better, but if you will permit me, I think the optimum arrangement would be:

When rays of energy and strength
are bestowed
Snapdragons and saplings grow upward
in praise and reverence.
Life and evolution are sustained
Finches and followers fly toward
In honour and admiration
until the moon takes hold.

What do you think?

Sorry to tamper,
hope it helps

Phil