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[Tramontane]

Forums

Red Mad Walruses stab return and ICBM insults drop
New arrivals sit on rock and scrape lichen platitudes.

The colony forms reason like drunk saturday night whites
then absorbs with amoebic simplicity.

A hdyra headed troll hunts with enticing inflamatory morsels
then goes clubbing,beating,gorging.

The culling mod rolls over the posting mob,striking keyboard
knives in the screeching outed troll.

Resumption; Bleeding,Bitching,Bleating,Biting reigns

[Leigh]

On the first reading this is highly enticing. Som very dense stuff; it seems every word is deserving of analysis. I think it would take a long time to really go through this, well done

[Danté]

Tramontane

You seem to have a lot of observations here that could relate to a lot of places
that one might find themself interacting in whilst on line.
I enjoyed the depiction of the errant participant as a hydra headed troll
and the rolling of the moderator.
The last line allusion to the remaining individuals carrying on and a slightly lower
level of conflict bubbling, until the next troll individual breaks into the fore.
Interesting content, which in my experience is usually inspired by events.
I get the feeling the metaphors are not randomly chosen and would be more glaring
if the actual context in which the ideas for this were concieved could be observed.
Certainly a different tone to your last piece. The references to amoeba, is quite
a well used metaphor in respect of simplicity, you could have possibly thought a
little longer and come with something more individual, but it´s not a bad one
like fluffy clouds lol, so I think overall it´s no big deal, just an observation.
The use of "then" occurs at the start of two lines, again this is only subjective,
you could have thought a little harder and not had that repetition.

Yes, another pleasant read

thanks

Danté

[David]

Is this an allegory I see before me? Between which mountains do you dwell, I wonder?

Quite a vivid read, anyway.

Cheers

David

[Tramontane]

cheers all.

My point of correlation was I hoped to be a walrus colony and the trolll an eskimo(sorry inuit) hunter but it weakened
and I like the idea of survival and normality as bedfellows and the modern world is not far removed.

I need to tighten up the metaphor "simple" and the repetition as you point out Danté i think maybe i need to slow down
and come back.As you suggest I was witness to an online bloddbath one bank holiday monday!,worthy of ancient rome.

David, I live in the hung valley with cast down eyes blinded by the screechings above

[dogofdiogenes]

Really enjoyed 'Red Mad Walruses'-is this a poem in itself, methinks? Must be pretty terrifying to see. In fact, it makes it all pretty powerful, savage and reminded me of the Roman forum and the Empire, too. Perhaps a bit too much with 'clubbing, beating, gorging' and the same for the last last line. It's too much, but I'm glad I read it. As said elsewhere-nicely dense.

Jacq doggo

[thoke]

I think this is too dense. You're making the reader work pretty hard just to hear a description of forum etiquette (assuming that's what this is?).

Maybe you could spread things out more; give the reader space to digest all these images and metaphors. Add more 'the's and 'a's to make it easier to read. instead of listing things, spend a line on clubbing, a line on beating and a line on gorging, so that we know what you're talking about. Anybody can just list a load of nasty words.

If you can stretch the whole poem out into full sentences, you might have something.

Ben

[Elphin]

This is the first I have read of yours John and I like how vivid your imagination is. The Red Mad Walruses as an opener is a good hook and you have a number of other interesting descriptions.

I agree with whoever said it was a little bit dense - may be some space and lubrication needed to let your images sink in. Only other point would be to reduce the modifiers.

Good start, sir

elph