Poetry Forum

Hi , here is my poem

One Four And More

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Here I am to start what I came for
Telling my story from one to four

One goal I have lived my whole life for
Searching for luxury , richness and more

Two decades , twenty years of war
Keeping try knocking the door

Three months ago I was at the store
Buying some things I came for

Four people with weapons , they smell gore
Trying to take the moneybox , they want more

One bullet out with a big bore
Flying on aire , touched my core


Two heart surgeries , so sore
Being alone in room , I tore

Three things I know so for
Being alive , healthy and safe is all

Four times you think and more
We all have better than what we look for


Author : Mr Dirbaxer

source : http://www.dirbax.com/my-writings/poems ... -more.html

welcome! It has some good ideas going on, you may find your full on rhyme style will be frowned upon by some here.
Like myself you seem to be drawn into lines just to keep the rhyme going. which can be a bad thing.
You tend to end up writing things that you don't really want to.i liked the play on the numbers.

Nice to see you here.

Backinblack.

P.S. you are supposed to crit 2 works before you post your own.bad you!

Dear BInB, you know I love you always. I have to get back on this-- see you soon.

LoL, DJL.

Welcome aboard Dirbax,

Please read the forum rules, you may find yourself in more welcoming and willing company if you do.

As to your poem, I have to echo b-in-b, this seemed a bit more of an excercise in rhyming words, rather than a heart felt piece. I wonder how much more interesting a poem it would be if you freed yourself of such tight constraint to tell your story.
But grats on being brave enough to share your writing, welcome again.

TDF

Lovely ring to this. I love it!

Welcome to the forum D. I liked your poem for the idea behind it. True, the rhyme seems forced, yet the pleasure of playing with numbers struck me. Keep them coming.