Swirling roung the iris
balons of salty water burst
so filthy, never clean
I am marred
a sinner
Encapsulated by the amniotic sac
my heart can't feel the ripples of your disgust
dreched in wickedness so you stay dry
you are my creation
two children ingress upon the slaughterhouse
are we sure
With needle in arm
I've decided your fate
closed eyes are pray
abortionists scrape
This is a little tidy up of the first copy. Any thoughts?
Swirling round the iris
Balloons of salty water burst
So filthy, never clean
I am marred
worldly sin
Encapsulated by the amniotic sac
My heart can't feel the ripples of your disgust
Drenched in wickedness so you stay dry
You are my creation
Two children ingress upon the slaughter house
"Are we sure?"
With needle in arm
I've decided your fate
Closed eyes and pray
Abortionists scrape
This is my first attempt at poetry so structure and things of the like I have no idea about!
Ta L
Definitive Moments- Was untitled poem about abortion EDIT!!!
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indolentchild
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Last edited by indolentchild on Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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nar
- Preponderant Poster
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Hi L.
Welcome aboard.
This little piece packs a fair old punch. I felt my stomach rise a little when reading it.
If this your first attempt, it's certainly far better than mine was.
I think it would work even better for me if you sorted out the punctuation a bit.
Good one, got any more?
- Neil.
Welcome aboard.
This little piece packs a fair old punch. I felt my stomach rise a little when reading it.
If this your first attempt, it's certainly far better than mine was.
I think it would work even better for me if you sorted out the punctuation a bit.
Good one, got any more?
- Neil.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left. (Bertrand Russell)
Welcome to the Board. Very difficult for me to comment on this one. 
I feel the piece is better without any punctuations, only the irregular capitalization sticks out. As for this being a first attempt, I feel you have a gift. It 'd take hundreds of poems for me to write one like that.
Wish to see more of your work here.
I feel the piece is better without any punctuations, only the irregular capitalization sticks out. As for this being a first attempt, I feel you have a gift. It 'd take hundreds of poems for me to write one like that.
Wish to see more of your work here.
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Cryptic Cadence
- Persistent Poster
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Hey there,
That certainly is a very good poem for a first attempt, as for the structure...just simply take a look at how poems are structured on the internet. Strictly speaking there is no specific structure you have to adhere to. Glad to see you write on themes you feel strongly about, the best comes out that way. I see you've also managed to go from a descriptive start to a vocative form in the middle, that might be the best place to split it into a new verse:
Good work, would definitely be interested in seeing more poems by you, pay close attention to the punctuation as the others have mentioned.
That certainly is a very good poem for a first attempt, as for the structure...just simply take a look at how poems are structured on the internet. Strictly speaking there is no specific structure you have to adhere to. Glad to see you write on themes you feel strongly about, the best comes out that way. I see you've also managed to go from a descriptive start to a vocative form in the middle, that might be the best place to split it into a new verse:
Swirling round the iris
Balloons of salty water burst
So filthy, never clean
I am marred
worldly sin
Encapsulated by the amniotic sac
My heart can't feel the ripples of your disgust
Drenched in wickedness so you stay dry
You are my creation
Two children ingress upon the slaughter house
"Are we sure?"
With needle in arm
I've decided your fate
Closed eyes and pray
Abortionists scrape
Good work, would definitely be interested in seeing more poems by you, pay close attention to the punctuation as the others have mentioned.
Welcome to the board. A most respectable first post and powerful.
There are no rules on structure but lots of guidance as to what works best in respect of line endings, rhyme/half rhyme, new stanzas. My suggestion is that a good way to start is to read a good anthology, pick out writers you like and write your own poems using their structures.
In respect of this poem, my own thoughts are that it would benefit from punctuation and mabe not the capitals at the start of each line.
You have done well to avoid using cliches, just one I think in worldly sin.
Good post - hope we can see more and if you feel you want to drop in to the Introduction Board.
elph
There are no rules on structure but lots of guidance as to what works best in respect of line endings, rhyme/half rhyme, new stanzas. My suggestion is that a good way to start is to read a good anthology, pick out writers you like and write your own poems using their structures.
In respect of this poem, my own thoughts are that it would benefit from punctuation and mabe not the capitals at the start of each line.
You have done well to avoid using cliches, just one I think in worldly sin.
Good post - hope we can see more and if you feel you want to drop in to the Introduction Board.
elph
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John G
- Preponderant Poster
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A tough subject for you frist entry but handled really well.
Won't dwell on the structure as many better then me have already commented.
Loved the ending line.
Welcome aboard.
Won't dwell on the structure as many better then me have already commented.
Loved the ending line.
Welcome aboard.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say 'I want to see the manager.
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backinblack
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Hi and welcome.
I thought it was a very fine first post.
With the advice and crits you get here you can really fine tune your work.
A couple of nice lines in there.
Some good visuals also.
Nice to see you here.
BinB.
I thought it was a very fine first post.
With the advice and crits you get here you can really fine tune your work.
A couple of nice lines in there.
Some good visuals also.
Nice to see you here.
BinB.
Poems everybody...poems.. the laddie fancies himself a poet!..Pink Floyd-The wall.
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indolentchild
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- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2009 1:30 pm
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Hello all and thanks very much for replying! I have been flat out working and have not had time or the mind space to sit down and write a worthy reply to your posts. My punctuation and things relating to structure ie: when to start a new line, should I use capitals and all that jazz is what I am finding really hard. I left school shortly after my 16 birthday. And missed out on all that garb, which I am finding out now was not so garby after all! If anyone wouldn't mind giving me a hand that would be super.
I was thinking that the line "worldy sin" was lame myself the only other thing I would prefer to replace it with it "A sinner" or just sinner. The posts I have read in regards to my poem have been very encouraging! I am happy to be apart of this little forum.
Oh yeah...... what the heck is a stanza? and vocative? I had a look for definition of vocative but I still am unsure
If anyone wouldn't mind giving me a hand that would be super. I was thinking that the line "worldy sin" was lame myself the only other thing I would prefer to replace it with it "A sinner" or just sinner. The posts I have read in regards to my poem have been very encouraging! I am happy to be apart of this little forum.
Oh yeah...... what the heck is a stanza? and vocative? I had a look for definition of vocative but I still am unsure
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backinblack
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Hi again, EVERYONE here will give you a hand in one way or another.
That's what this place is all about, you will improve all aspects of your work as you go.
So just...do your thing!
Best wishes
B.
That's what this place is all about, you will improve all aspects of your work as you go.
So just...do your thing!
Best wishes
B.
Poems everybody...poems.. the laddie fancies himself a poet!..Pink Floyd-The wall.