Poetry Forum

I don't know,
don't I know?
know, I don't.
forever now, now forever,
mysterious unity.
mysterious people,
mysterious peoples points of view,
reality defines people,
but can people define reality?

the unrelenting rumbling of the city,
the fresh smell of the cold air,
the different shades of the multicoloured orange,
for there is nothing to which I can compare.

look around at this natural manmade world of ours,
look at what it has made of our devoid souls.
look at what we have created?
we have created an invalid irksome reality,
of which we have blind resolute confidence.

there is no reality in sanity,
there is no sanity in reality.
so sanity does not exist at all,
but we listened to the trees that were tall,
and our reality as is made small.

inspire, expire, desire,
expire, desire, inspire,
Desire, Inspire, Expire.
for all that is, is tired,
let all proclaim silver shires.

let all shirk the shear shall of opreession,
let all rendezvous with the renumerate renaissance of recognition,
and let all patriots who have known passwords to patrician,
carry forward the sacred sight of direction.

can we be desired by all that have been before?
can we be inspired by what should, could, would be for?
can we be expired of the travel travesty that is the closed door?



all contributions greatfully accepted. thanks for reading

Hi, I think this is a fine first post, some nice ideas here.
The heavy rhymes with be frowned upon by some here,though not all!
I though it had a lot of good points.
The advice you will get here will help you expand your writing and find your own style.
You may find that shorter writes get more crits,good luck.

Nice to see you here.


BinB.

I agree with BinB, but it is a very deep piece, you are obviously (very sincere) in what you want to write.

The subject matter is very thought provoking.

Enjoyed.

DJL

Hiya, swoosh.

And welcome.

I enjoyed reading this. I did get lost a few times, and can't quite grasp an overall meaning to this.
Perhaps there isn't one.

The lack of capitalisation breaks the flow, IMHO.

I like the combination of questions and statements.

One very odd thing happened for me here. I read this twice, with about 30 mins between readings. Both times, I read "natural manmade " as "natural marmalade" !!!
I think that happened because of the "multicoloured orange" that you talk about a couiple of lines before.

Anyways... thanks for the read.

- Neil

Ah! This one needs some trimming. Okay, I have the scissors ready. Here's my take:

I don't know,
don't I know?

mysterious people,
mysterious peoples points of view,
reality defines people,
but can people define reality?

unrelenting rumbling of the city,
fresh smell of the cold air,
different shades of the multicoloured orange,
there is nothing to which I can compare.

look around at this manmade world of ours,
look at what it has made of our devoid souls.
look at what we have created?

there is no reality in sanity,
there is no sanity in reality.
so sanity does not exist at all,
but we listened to the trees that were tall,
and our reality is made small.

Desire, Inspire, Expire.
for all that is, is tired,
let all proclaim silver shires.

let all shirk the shear shall of oppression,
and let all patriots who have known passwords to patrician,
carry forward the sacred sight of direction.

Hope this helps.

I quite liked this although I can't put my finger on why.
There are some good phrases which conjured up different ideas but I too am not sure what the overall meaning is.
Personnaly I quite liked the rhymes.

The desire, inspire, expire intrigued me. We'll all expire but do we desire and inspire, which is most important.

Look forward too seeing some more of your work.

RJ

Hey There,

I will have to agree with the lad just before me, I think it was a little long. Having said that I think it was brilliantly written with the question/statement thingy you had going on there. I liked it and thought it was a good read as I said the only thing I could fault was the length. When I read it I started to read it to a repetitious kind of beat in my head. Ahhhh... I could write the same thing you said to me earlier, but I won't. You know what you wrote Keep posting I would like to keep reading!

L