When I Painted Myself Ten Thousand Years Ago

[Lovely]

Don't be frightened of old age: look careful at your face, the wrinkles,
the crepy sunken cheeks, the frail eroded jaw, the thin folds of wattle;
count the archipelagos of age spots, examine the wind coloured hair
patted into the mirages of a lifetime. (I've known better days before).


I look into my deep and fretted eyeballs,damp and weeping, my
eyelids sagging like forgotten bedroom ties. I then add up the years
and wonder where they have gone--- and how they flew by. I Pick a
number, guessing the wieght of a cake the height of a steeple----
it's much more difficult to paint people.


Light and shade is all I've known, one gives acre to the other,
when one grows old you are forgotten, your lamb turns into mutton.
I'll never paint myself again, only inner fire remains to paint,
the inner sun everlasting, angels cast no shadows
there time is never passing.

[nar]

Hiya, DJL.

I quite like S1. Having read "Don't be frightened of old age", I was expecting something slightly more cheerful, but you do provide a pretty clear image (perhaps a wee bitty too clear - do you need all those modifiers?).

S2 is obviously more self-reflective. That change surpirsed me a little. It reads quite well, but I'm not sure about your line breaks, and use of triple and quadruple dashes. I like the 'pick a number idea'. I thinking of a 'Guess the age of the Teddy Bear' competition

S3 loses me entirely though. I'm not sure what the message is. It feels a bit like Sickboys-Unifying-Theory-of-Life from Trainspotting, then the angels fly in from left-field. Sorry, but I'm not getting it.

Just my tuppenceworth, hope it helps.

Laters,

- Neil

[backinblack]

Hi L, I'm not sure if this is self reflective or not? I assume your not that old so I guess not.
I thought it was a very written piece on the sorrow of a woman remembering her youthful beauty.
Well captured, I think, though I've never been a woman,..honest!
I found it to be a deep write, "only inner fires remains to paint" love that line.

Nice.

B.

[jazziwoz]

A beautiful piece about age and how it is defined by the wrinkly frail characteristics - enjoyed the age bit being seen as not important anymore 'I pick a number' - made me smile!

[swoosh]

Hey lovely,

to me this seemed a very deep personel piece. age is just a number, you are right there. i think I got the last piece as angels will cast no judgement unlike fire casts shadows.I also got a feeling of regret? but not by anything you have chose, but by things that you could not have choosen. maybe I got it wrong but it certainly made me think.

enjoyed as always

S
thanks for all your help

[arunansu]

Thanks for that wonderful title! Love it.

S1 is pleasing to read, though I feel it's better off without the text inside parentheses.

S2 is reflective, lots of nice phrases:
"I Pick a
number, guessing the wieght of a cake the height of a steeple"

I feel you trim down S3. Here's my take:

Light and shade give acre to one another,
when one grows old you are forgotten, your lamb turns into mutton.
Only inner fire remains to paint,
the inner sun everlasting, angels cast no shadows
there time is never passing.


Hope that helps.