Poetry Forum

Her turret-tower flag’s lay quiet,rags in the breathless air,
un-manicured lawns, once hosted weddings and duels among the gentry.
Now overgrown meadows, a housing of larks,
it’s fair to say some affairs had ended better that others.

Sandstone skin, blemished and beaten,
projectile pock marked and oil stained.
An age besiegement, a legacy of bereavement.
Her claret moats had thrice been drained..

Courtyard cobbles now lie strewn,
it’s surface lies untrue.
Her jester’s laugh lost, a dropped juggling ball,
ravaged by the free range grasses that consume her
carcass without a death bite.

Edit- removed S1 L2 Below, her- from line start.
removed S2 L5 these blood banks only accepted deposits

Vivid imagery like the un-manicured lawns, always previously thought of casles as masculine - strong unyielding. Good to get a different viewpoint

Watchya, BiB.

Where's this then? It feels as if this is specific to somewhere, and not just any old ruined castle.

I think you've done a grand job here.

Top3:
a housing of larks,
claret moats had thrice been drained,
jester’s laugh lost,

Bottom2:
S1 L2 stick out as a little too long
blood banks (I think the claret ref stands strong enough on its own, without having to add blood)

You're very prolific at the moment. I envy your ability to write so much . We both started posting here at roughly the same time, and I think your progress has been pretty awesome. You seem to have the ability to write in a number of different ways. More power to your keyboard, sir.

See you around,

- Neil

hey binb,

obviously this is somewhere were you have been able to soak up the sights and sounds. As with most of the stuff you write that I have read. I thought the image it stirred up to me was vivid. I could hear the silence.

simple and clever I thought

enjoyed

S
thanks for all your help

Dear BinB,

Love the visuals and the metaphor of a grand castle, now in ruins. Witness of happy times.
Lol.

I like the errie castle.

Cast not the weeping wounds of another but lifting a brother you have done here.

DJL

Hi,

I'm assuming you've visited this castle, thats how it seems. Fantastic job, I really did feel the place was dead and silenced.

Thanks,
Stevj016.

hiya BinB

Castles I love them..easy to drink in the history even from the most run down of ruins..your write holds tons of atmosphere and I would guess you could write lots more on this subject!
I enjoyed this

mes

Hi, a big shout to all who took the time to read this,I have made some edits as suggested, which hopefully tune this up a wee bit.
I love these sort of historical places and wanted to write about one.
The only place that this castle exists is in my head!
There's most likely someplace where this does exist, but I ain't been there.
I'm glad you all got something from it.
I was more focused on trying a different writing style to be honest.

A big thanks to all.


B.

Nice heart and write, BinB.

DJL

backinblack wrote:Her turret-tower flag’s lay quiet,rags in the breathless air,
un-manicured lawns, once hosted weddings and duels among the gentry.
Now overgrown meadows, a housing of larks,
it’s fair to say some affairs had ended better that others.

Sandstone skin, blemished and beaten,
projectile pock marked and oil stained.
An age besiegement, a legacy of bereavement.
Her claret moats had thrice been drained..

Courtyard cobbles now lie strewn,
it’s surface lies untrue.
Her jester’s laugh lost, a dropped juggling ball,
ravaged by the free range grasses that consume her
carcass without a death bite.

Edit- removed S1 L2 Below, her- from line start.
removed S2 L5 these blood banks only accepted deposits

Hmmm.... seems to me this castle's more about aging female flesh... interesting analogy. Mind castles and wombs are singular. And death bite? though rite more right? But then castles have a draw bridge normally, don't they? Then I wonder how corpse without a draw bridge would go as the finale?

The entry doesn't draw me in either... it flows little because you've hooked it up with the difficult sonics of unneeded words... like a turret is defined as being the very top vantage point of a tower, which needs no modification.

Her turret’s lay quiet,
rags of breathless air. Unkept
lawns, once dueled the gentry,
now poor with larks. It’s fair to say
some fare better than others .

(You ever smelt an old lady when she's out of her perfume zone... Pwwwoooooorrrrrrhhhh )

What I like about S1 this way is it's now so enjambment ready for V2 or S2. And I'm not against random rhyme patterns mixed with free verse as long it has good reason to be there as such. Like to signify Gala/Ballroom imagery and such here... which took place on the lawns too, I hear.

Some of your works work better in free verse btw... of course I've played with them lol

enjoyed the concept but think it needs more in your face - yet subtle - comparisons.

J