Teal romance

[stevj016]

Hello everyone,

This ones called 'Teal romance'

You look at me with no passion,
Your emerald eyes show no trust.
But when you’re with other men,
You offer them all your lust.

I’ve started to think you’re not all mine,
I think you need a second breath.
When you lose all your hope,
Your soul dies a slow death.

Please stay with me please be mine,
No other man will have that pleasure.
You will do as I say,
Please stay with me my lovely treasure.

I love you more than Mother Nature,
If you left I would be torn.
You are the blossom of my day,
You are my rose without a thorn.

Darling you are mine and only mine,
Your love for me can only heal.
My raw emotions breed envy,
My love for you is very teal.

Thanks,
Stevj016.

[Ros]

Hi Stev,

Very heartfelt! I think the trouble with going for rhyme, though, can be that the poet feels around for rhyme at the expense of saying what they feel using really strong metaphors. Here, for example, I don't really know what you mean by the last line, so I'm tempted to think you were searching for a rhyme for heal..! You may find you get stronger poems if you try for rhythm rather than rhyme. Just a suggestion, anyway.

By the way, please remember the general rules of not posting more than one poem a day, and giving at least two thoughtful crits to others for each poem you post. You'll get more responses that way, too.

Ros

[Lovely]

Very beaut you. Love you.

D J Lovely xxxxxxx

[Danté]

Hi,

Ros, has already offered you a couple of useful suggestions in respect of the rhymes in this poem. Having looked at the lines, I can personally see a few other words available that could have been used to both maintain rhyme and keep it meaningful.
I enjoyed the images, although one or two seemed a bit, greeting card like, but then that is your choice and if it hits the spot with regards to what you wish to say, it works on that level. My only real nit with piece is line 3 verse 3. “You will do as I say” I thought it tonally out of context with the rather more gentle voice in the remainder of the piece, and could easily imagine many a damsel kicking that request into the long grass.

Thanks for the read

all the best

Danté

[dabeldarks]

i really like this

[Jasper]

Hmmm... this sounds like Hallmark Inc with the fluffy cliche imagery and rhyme without good reasoning... makes me wanna barf, I'm sorry. It all sounds forced because you may have put the emphasis of rhyme before the story telling meter. And while on discipline, I personally think rhyme without meter sorely misses that certain sonic mesh (the scansion) of syllable flow from one word to the next (and so on). Maybe I'm simply saying it's too predictable?

Now I wondering how this very piece would sound and impact if it were redone in freestyle instead.

J