Poetry Forum

You aren’t supposed to marry your teenage
rebellion. But it was fun to break
my father’s heart entirely. The rage
was all black then – a long way from the fake
curly-haired darlings that danced before me.
And yet… now I have what I should not,
tradition seems to appeal. See,
there are two kinds of men: shady-types, hot,
who show you sex, then those you wed. You teach
the second how to treat you, the world
of Venetians. Darker types you don’t. They reach
for you like a possession to be unfurled,
ruined. It has its appeal, but not for life.
I have married a lover and will pay
the price. I can’t be three things at once: wife,
forever-virgin and whore. To say
I see it in his eyes is to bleeding
state an obvious. Tonight, he will kill me.
No amount of saucy, wide-eyed pleading
will convince his heart that I willingly
lie in the crumpled bed I have made,
will play at faithful wife, tart, lover, maid.

But… I can’t stop my heartbeat wondering:
would love be different with the Florentine?

Hi there, I really liked this piece,I think you capture some great human emotions.
The opening was good, I loved " marry your teenage rebellion" line,I can relate to that.
I'm not sure if these are your own experiences or not?I feel you depict this well.
The saftey over danger slant is good also, good imagery here.
Enjoyed.

B.

Wow. You certainly let go of the energy inside here. Liked.

It flowed well for prose me think it had little iambic structure but who cares
it came over well and was delivered as you meant.

Would like to read more in the future....

Thankyou,

DJL

Oh! Very well captured.

"there are two kinds of men: shady-types, hot,
who show you sex, then those you wed"
-unfortunately, only two types, I agree.


Loved the way you said :
"No amount of saucy, wide-eyed pleading
will convince his heart".

Great emotional spill, this one.

I liked this very much. It made me want to continue the conversation with the speaker, I would like to hear more.
This will stay with me for a long time because of the emotion you have captured. Very nice write.

"To say
I see it in his eyes is to bleeding
state an obvious. Tonight, he will kill me."

were best lines for me.
Suzanne

Thanks for all of the kind replies. I'm not happy with the last two lines... any advice.

(It's Desdemona... a la Carol Ann Duffy, I suppose)

Y'know, I thought it might be Desdemona, but purely because of the impression you gave of her personality - I missed the pregnancy of "black" completely. D'oh!

It's very good. I like the ending, but - and this may be your problem with it - I'm not sure how it applies to D. It's been a while since I read the play - who's the Florentine?

Cheers

David

Teenage Kicks is a woeful title, you!
It's about Eggs Benedict and the greener side of Eggs Florentine... breakfast dishes which fertilize a certain sexual prowess, I reckon. Problem is you missed the opportunity to drop whore completely and simply use Florin instead at the end. Or maybe a pun of Florin tines Puts a big kilter on the piece without saying so if you did.

Desdemona... don't know the woman, and don't wish too either as I see all women in here.

Lovely piece.

J

Thanks Dave/Jasper

The Florentine is Cassio who Othello has accused her of sleeping with. I was trying to suggest thay maybe Othello wasn't wrong after all and she had been developing an eye for the young dandy... I think I've missed the mark and will have rethink about the last two lines.

I'm sorry, Jasper, I really enjoyed what you wrote, but hardly understood two words of it!

LadyT x

Marvellous! Teenage kicks with undertones.I thought it were brilliant,except for "to bleeding state an obvious", don't think that quite works.Ending is fine, though. Long time no read. How's Northfield? I'm not sure anyone understands much of what Jasper says, by the way. He's Australian.

The underpinning metaphor here seems to be Is the grass greener on the other side of the fence.
The difference between Eggs Benedict and Eggs Florentine is spinach mainly.... which has an envious colour! Both are breakfast/morning dishes....which would give a more novel approach/analogy to such an archaic gripe.

Florentine... Florin (coinage) tine (the phallus) .... green also speaks of youth!

would morning be fresh with the Florin-tine?... now that's a whore with envy!

J

Jasper, you are a genius! Reminds me of Frank Commode on a going day. Top stuff.

Love this. Othello is probably my favourite Shakespeare play, and this is a great twist on it. A great "what if?" - lots of backround to think about once it's considered! It also feels very modern too, which I like, and which is interesting when it's about Shakespearean characters, but I think this (especially the title) aids a better connection with the intended audience, making the emotions feel less distant from ourselves and our own lives. Very good!